Slope Day
“What Are You Talking About? Slope Day Just Happened”: Administration Tries New Tactic After Failing to Source Replacement Artist
LIBE SLOPE—Thousands of students have voiced their disappointment at the current uncertainty surrounding Slope Day, taking to the internet and even their emails to rail against the administration. At first, university officials were dismissive, assuring students not to worry while remaining vague about the fate of the time-honored Cornell tradition. However, recently, a marked shift…
Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker
ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…
Esteemed NYT Crossword Clue Rita Ora to Headline Slope Day
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The Slope Day Programming Board has announced esteemed New York Times crossword clue Rita Ora will headline Slope Day. The vowel-heavy, classic three letter last name singer-songwriter will be welcomed to campus by puzzle aficionados and mini crossword lovers alike. With hits such as “Rita of pop music” or “British feature on Iggy…
NOOZ VIEWS: CU Nooz Editorial Board Endorses Folk/Bluegrass Category on Slope Day Survey
The first Slope Day Survey dropped this week, kicking off months of deliberation to decide who Cornell will pay for students to black out and not see. Past years have featured a vast array of artists with one song you kind of know, most of which produce pop, rap, or EDM music. The genres of…
Flo Rida Gets Spun Right Round Baby Right Round Trying to Find Way Out of ILR Building
IVES HALL—This Slope Day, rap and pop music icon Flo Rida racked up a shocking 1.5 hour wait for his arrival at the Slope due to a rigorous prep schedule, vocal exercises, and getting miserably lost in the ILR building. The morning of May 8, excited for his Cornell debut, Mr. Rida woke up extra…
OpaVote? Hell Yeah, I Love Gangnam Style!
As an undergraduate Cornell student, I was overjoyed to receive an email from “OpaVote Voting Link.” I thought, “Finally! I get to use my voice for something that matters: a referendum to decide the best of K-Pop icon PSY’s songs!” It came as an absolute surprise; I’m on all the PSY forums, how had I…
Unhoused Sophomore Unable to Sing Along to Flo Rida’s “My House”
BAILEY HALL – On Saturday, Slope Day organizers aimed to distract the Cornell community from the recent student housing catastrophe by revealing the long-awaited Slope Day Lineup. However, this announcement was received poorly by some community members, who viewed the organizers’ decision to bring Flo Rida of “My House” fame to campus as a cruel…
Slope Day Commission Elects New Set Of Martyrs
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following the mass ostracization of last year’s Slope Day Programming Board, an entirely new set of victims, officially known as “members,” needed to be found. Fortunately, a group of students willing to impale themselves upon the unforgiving spear of dissatisfaction that is the student body have now been assembled. “I shall relish in…
SLOPE DAY SCANDAL: These “Food Tickets” Just Taste Like Paper
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—On May 1st, with Slope Day on the horizon, Cornell Dining launched their food ticket pre-sale at select locations across campus. Many students lined up at Okenshields to swipe in for their usual dinners, but one student, Jonah Kesky ‘26, was on a different mission. “I remember he was the first person in…