Find your favorite charter. Attend your 1:25 class. Dress up Ezra and A.D. White’s corpses for the Sesquicentennial Bring A.D. White and Ezra Cornell to the Cornell Dairy Bar and demand three free ice creams. Order the whole menu at CTB and tell them Ezra will take care of it. Take Ezra Cornell to Day…
My name is Paul Goodman and I am, in fact, in a secret society. That’s right — I’m in Quill and Dagger. I really want to emphasize that though I am actively telling you that I am in a secret society, I really would appreciate if you kept this information to yourself. I’m only telling…
HANS BETHE HOUSE—Students flocked back to campus today, marking the end of Thanksgiving break. For most it was restful. For many students, however, Thanksgiving means a dreaded reunion with humankind’s most resented relatives: uncles. “I have twelve uncles,” said Ethan Doherty ‘27. “It’s hard to keep track of which ones are normal because everyone wears…
EDUCATION CITY, QATAR— Dear Cornell Community, Freedom of Expression is the foundation of academic understanding, breathing life into knowledge and inspiring impactful advocacy. Some may even say that Free Expression is indispensable. But here at Weill Cornell Medicine in Qatar, we actually think it’s a little dispensable. To this end, I’m glad to announce our…
LIBE SLOPE—While most students are eager to see basketball and DJ Shaquille O’Neal perform as part of this year’s virtual Slope Day celebration, one individual is not. Fraternity brother Devin Jennings ‘22, who has long misreported his height to potential hookups, was reportedly miffed that Cornell had invited the famously tall Shaq to perform at…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL— In response to a wave of controversial guests from designated hate groups visiting campus, as well as a wave of protests against them, Cornell Centrists have found middle ground by inviting undesignated hate groups instead. “Clearly campus is incredibly divided right now,” claimed Centrist President Brett Nichards ‘23. “On one side, you…
LEWIS AUDITORIUM — Just barely putting his notes away in time before the TA handed out the midterm, Justin Solotoff ’17 dismissed his neighbor’s assertive comment that Solotoff should have started studying earlier for the exam. “I didn’t cram,” whispered Solotoff as he opened his blue book. “I started studying a whole hour ago.” Solotoff’s…
LIBE SLOPE — Calling upon three years of hardened experience in the field, Senior Liam McKlevern spent the afternoon burying a bottle of sunscreen in the slope in preparation for Slope Day. “Most novices think they can just hit the slope with a single layer of SPF 35,” reported McKlevern, leaning up against his shovel….
PORTLAND, OR—Hundreds of California National Guard troops were mobilized Sunday in an unlawful move by the Trump administration. Sent to quell nonviolent protests in nearby Portland, Oregon, members of the force quickly found themselves overwhelmed by the romantic advances of the city’s legions of polyamorous inhabitants. “We were warned about Antifa, but this is much,…
HIGH RISE 5—To accommodate a larger-than-expected first-year class that they definitely expected, Cornell Housing and Residential Life has recently converted student lounges in certain buildings to quintuples. This was an immense disappointment to Jackie Bruno ‘27, who was the only one of her identical siblings assigned to a different room. “Alexa, Amanda, Anna, Anika, and…
