WESTCHESTER, NY — Reports indicate that after dropping you off at Cornell to begin a full year of college, your parents immediately took advantage of their now empty house by having sex in your absence. “Pretty much as soon as we walk in the door,” said your mom, when asked how long it would be until…
COLLEGETOWN—Confident that it will give him the edge he needs after an underwhelming and fruitless job search, Dalton Pearce ’20, indicated he is eager to receive any and all job offers by adding “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to his LinkedIn headline. “‘Seeking: Job’ sounds too stiff and formal, and ‘Please, I’m Just Looking For A…
STEWART AVENUE—In a landmark moment for environmental lobbyists, the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation officially moved to protect the invariably flooded Beta Phi Tau house basement as a critical wetland habitat. “It was almost like a dream come true when our surveyors stumbled across this swamp, nearly untouched despite its close proximity to…
EAST AVE — PETA-affiliated student organizations called for a demonstration against the annual campus-wide Dragon Day parade, citing the mistreatment and exploitation of innocent dragons that violates basic animal rights laws. “The Archies keep this beautiful creature cooped up for months in the basement of Rand Hall, an enclosure that is far too small for…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL— In response to a wave of controversial guests from designated hate groups visiting campus, as well as a wave of protests against them, Cornell Centrists have found middle ground by inviting undesignated hate groups instead. “Clearly campus is incredibly divided right now,” claimed Centrist President Brett Nichards ‘23. “On one side, you…
Where is Warren Hall? What is Warren Hall? Why would I, a second semester senior in the prestigious College of Industrial and Labor Relations at Cornell University, an Ivy League university of the highest caliber (higher, even, than the frauds at Columbia), know where such a trivial, such an irrelevant, such a ridiculous building be…
COLLEGETOWN—The proclivities of Collegetown roommates have inevitably emerged, and the victims of the 901 College Ave Apt-1 lease quickly realized that living together was about to go from string lights and girl nights to full-on fist fights. Held hostage by a lease, the girls couldn’t escape Lilith Quinn ‘26, self-proclaimed group leader. “The second I…
URIS HALL—The second week of classes started uneventfully, with students settling into their routines and professors getting to know their classes. However, a few terrified students in Uris Hall G01 were in for a cruel surprise. “The professor seemed more irritated than last week. Maybe because only half the class showed up after he said…
In a move widely seen as “misleading” and “unfair” by students and faculty across the Cornell community, the administration announced Friday that Cornell’s Campus to Campus bus would not be adding a stop at the Cornell Medical School in Qatar. “If you’re going to call it a campus to campus bus,” Joe Armisen ‘14 noted,…
ITHACA, NY-Recent evidence supports the long reigning claim that The Cornell Daily Sun is, in fact, run by an evil race of mutant lizard people. The office of the Sun has been reported closed from December 6th, until January 19th, the coldest period of the year, during which time a cold-blooded species (such as lizard…
