BAKER LAB–When Elliot Sandleford ‘26 finally settled on his spring semester lineup, he expected his course-related troubles to be over. “I spent weeks rearranging my Scheduler,” said Sandleford. “I had to get it exactly right, where I would have 8:00 AM labs every morning but also somehow no time to eat lunch.” Although the Arts…
RAWLINGS GREEN — Just seconds after blurting out “I have two dogs” to the indifferent members of his orientation group, freshman Coby Cordsen immediately regretted sharing what was supposed to be the “fun fact” about himself. “I have two dogs? Is that seriously the best I could do?” Cordsen repeated shamefully in his head. “I…
DICKSON HALL—A valiant shampoo bottle let out its final squirt today after a long, slippery battle against grime and grease. As the unsuspecting user applied the usual squeeze, the room filled with a weak, sputtering sound. What trickled out was not the rich, satisfying lather once cherished, but a thin, defeated dribble—a pathetic, watery remnant…
COLLEGETOWN— Alan McMillan ‘21 recently made the stunning decision to eschew his preferred breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast for his back-up choice of oatmeal with fresh fruit. “I really felt like I was getting in a rut, what with classes and never leaving my apartment,” McMillan said excitedly while boiling some water in preparation….
The first Slope Day Survey dropped this week, kicking off months of deliberation to decide who Cornell will pay for students to black out and not see. Past years have featured a vast array of artists with one song you kind of know, most of which produce pop, rap, or EDM music. The genres of…
TOMPKINS COUNTY — Gerry the Ithaca weather monster is announcing his retirement after he tried all year to build up massive amounts of snow to dump on students and residents in the greater Tompkins County region, only to see all his hard work melted by man-made global warming. “I’m done. I can’t stand it,” Gerry…
BECKER DINING HALL — In a new move to encourage the naughty children not to eat in a most rapacious manner, Cornell Dining will begin the new “All We Allow You to Eat” meal plan this semester. Under the restrictive dining option, only one bowl of gruel shall be appropriated to each boy and girl,…
I’m done. That’s it. I give up. I’m not showering until the weather cools down. Every single day, no matter where I go or what time it is, I am drenched in sweat from head to toe. Collegetown to Uris? No question. Rockefeller to the Engineering Quad? Yep. I had to walk from Klarman to…
DICKSON HALL—Unable to handle the guilt from leaving his contraband alcohol unreported, RA Ryan Newman ‘21 dutifully submitted an OJA form this Monday reporting that he brought a mostly-full handle of Mango Pineapple Svedka back to his dorm room. “It is my solemn duty as an RA to provide a fun, safe, and sober living…
ITHACA, NY — Following an awkward, prolonged encounter with an unfortunate student, staff at Gannett Health Services were surprised and disgusted to learn that “the clap” was not, in fact, “a fun dance move like ‘the twerks’ that all these kids are into,” as reported by one distraught nurse. CU Nooz was on scene as…
