DAY HALL—Following the bungled use of a tabulation app at the Iowa Caucuses, Cornell has officially offered to train the DNC on how to use the university-adopted iClicker Reef polling app. “We here at Cornell know that there is no better way to quickly calculate poll results than by using the Reef Polling app. Not…
MILSTEIN HALL—Students across campus are in revolt after the Archies’ latest creation was revealed to be a complete fucking nottie compared to the babe from Shrek (2001). ‘Nobody can compete with the dragon from Shrek. Nobody,” said self-described “normal guy” Kevin Lancaster ‘25, completely unprompted. “I mean, those scales can’t stop me from squeezing her…
ROCKEFELLER CENTER, NY—While mayoral candidates Zohran Mamdani and Andrew Cuomo battled over topics ranging from the housing crisis to the Israel-Hamas war in Thursday’s debate, Curtis Sliwa engaged in a battle of his own over the war-torn Western Front. At the start of the debate, Cuomo and Mamdani wasted little time launching into a heated…
COLLEGETOWN- To the dismay of many Cornellians, the street battle that has been waged by two feline tribes over rights to the dumpster behind D.P. Dough has continued to rage on for a third consecutive week. With much of the bloodshed being accompanied by hours of hissing and growling, residents of the apartments above have…
As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to facilitate the smooth operation of our institution. To that effect, my administration has worked tirelessly to ensure harmonious labor relations on campus. But goddamn, did we fuck this one up. While over six dozen hard-working grad students are content with the present arrangement,…
ITHACA- Reports are surfacing that one book residing in Olin Library’s stacks is beginning to wonder if it will ever be checked out. “Spiel der Welten: Fiktionalität als narratives Paradigma in Mittelalter” (“Game of the Worlds: fictionality as a narrative paradigm in the Middle Ages”) has sat on its shelf on Olin’s 7th floor since…
COLLEGETOWN–Gourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene. “7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors,…
COLLEGETOWN—Dozens of redditors have once again banded together to ensure r/Cornell remains home to not only right wing-SA rants and CS workload complaints, but moderately cute bunnies, too. Progress! “Seeing these cute little bundles of fluff is the highlight of my day,” said user AnarxhyMurder231. “After the first ninety posts I told myself nothing could…
When I first heard the rumor that the US economy was being propped up by artificially inflated growth in the AI sector, I thought it was laughable. But the signs keep piling up, and if twenty years on Wall Street have taught me one thing, it’s that selling off before a crash is pointless on…
ITHACA, NY – Last night, four residents of Donlon Hall received a JA due to their participation in some good old-fashioned fun. At 11:30 PM, the student’s residential advisor heard what sounded like a shindig, rumpus, or a jamboree coming from down the hall, and immediately contacted the CUPD. Police records confirm that upon arriving…
