COLLEGETOWN—Students were shocked to discover this week that it takes 3 months to get a table at “Group Therapy Thursday” at local watering hole Hideaway. The weekly drink special is popular with Cornell students looking to unwind from the stress and anxiety of school. It came as a painful surprise this Thursday when Cornellians, very…
COLLEGETOWN—After last night’s explosive Game of Thrones finale, Stanley Climpton ‘19 has announced that he is ready to fill the gaping void left by Game of Thrones’ departure with heavy binge drinking. “Game of Thrones has been such a huge part of my life since the beginning of the show,” Climpton stated while silently unscrewing…
I want to make one thing very clear—I cannot stand freshmen for a literal second. They’re brand new here, but as soon as those colored light strips go up in Jameson, they just strut around acting like they deserve the world. Freshmen stop in the middle of the sidewalk because they have no idea what…
COLLEGETOWN—Ithaca winter weather brings plummeting temperatures and gale-force winds, making a meager 32 degrees feel like sub-zero. The temperature alone is enough to dishearten even the most ardent winter enthusiasts. However, there is but one force stronger than the most biting chill of a Cornell February, inextinguishable by the elements, that scarcely dims in the…
ITHACA, NY—Once again, Cornell students can proudly claim they have access to one of the best dining programs across the nation. The university marked a special case for the Princeton Review’s Great Campus Food ranking list, qualifying as tenth in the nation with the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe and fifth in the nation without. A…
Make your bedroom into your bedroom and have sex in your bedroom Finally read the entirety of a dazzling Denice Cassaro email out of sheer boredom Livestream the Cornell-Harvard Men’s Hockey game and throw fish at your computer screen Irresponsibly take off to NYC for Spring Break and become a vector for viral spread Fall…
OKENSHIELDS – Citing multiple instances of muffled sobbing, exasperated gasps, and flat out bawling, Okenshields employees are reportedly unsure how to deal with most patrons crying directly into their make-your-own salads. “Um, I mean I just kind of refill the spinach when it gets pretty low, but I feel like I should definitely be doing…
BARNES HALL- Interviewing for a summer internship with elite consulting firm McKidney & Company, local AEM major Angela Brighten ’21 reportedly felt obliged to suggest the mass slaughter of civilians as the best solution to a case study. McKidney’s Charles DePrice began the interview by reading a case prompt to Brighten: “Our client is a…
COOL INSURING ARENA- At the most anticipated athletic event of the year, one furry friend failed to live up to expectation. Despite his status as ”Pick of the litter,” the forty pound Wide Retriever, Fido appeared to crumble under the pressure. His fluffy, adorable exterior quickly melted away when it became clear that his football…
SPACE SCIENCES BUILDING—Despite the early hour of the advanced astrophysics class, Professor DeGrasse was reportedly unfazed by the glazed eyes of his sleep deprived students. Thanks to his early morning trip to drop his four-year-old son off at day care, the Professor had a trick up his sleeve that was sure to get his students…
