If you travel to Mexico, don’t forget to drink the water. Or if you travel anywhere. Or if you don’t travel at all. Water is essential no matter where you are. To avoid the pain of a nasty sunburn, remember to regularly use a liberal amount of Tequila. Apply directly to skin. To relax on…
BAKER LAB — Students looking to get their PE requirement out of the way quickly have a new option: trekking to the third floor of Baker Lab. While most students opt to casually bowl twice a week to fulfill the University’s Physical Education requirement, those willing to challenge themselves can instead choose to conquer the…
DUFFIELD HALL — Addressing a wholly unbelievable occurrence surely more than sheer coincidence, a study from the Cornell Department of Sociology has found that a guy from your hometown knows that guy you also know. “Studies across campus indicate that this guy has known that guy you’ve known since summer camp in 2010,” said Dr….
COLLEGETOWN—Geoff Rankle ‘19 took a brave stand for climate justice by reusing a latex Trojan condom for two full months. Rankle began this eco-friendly practice after watching Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” three times and “finally getting it.” “People talk about saving the planet by driving electric cars or recycling, or whatever. But those things…
MCGRAW TOWER—In response to a complete absence of student concern, Cornell administration announced this morning that there was absolutely no chance of McGraw Tower toppling down atop Ho Plaza before tumbling down the slope. The statement assured that such an event, which would transform the university’s iconic clocktower into a musical human steamroller, certainly would…
RPCC DINING HALL – The world’s leading climate scientists confirmed that the scoop of French vanilla ice cream Jordan Chaplain ’19 placed on top of his waffle has shown signs of premature deglaciation, at a rate much faster than experts previously surmised, as concluded at climate talks in Paris this past week. “What we’re seeing…
DAY HALL—Following the bungled use of a tabulation app at the Iowa Caucuses, Cornell has officially offered to train the DNC on how to use the university-adopted iClicker Reef polling app. “We here at Cornell know that there is no better way to quickly calculate poll results than by using the Reef Polling app. Not…
BARTON HALL–Clubfest was evacuated Sunday after the Fire Juggling Club’s live demonstration sent a wayward torch into a hands-on display for the Big Piles of Straw Club, who occupied the neighboring booth. CUPD had their hands full containing several unrelated blazes in North Campus residence halls and were therefore unable to respond to the scene….
URIS HALL— The VP of Operations for Cornell’s Scales Acapella, Crystal Rojas ’21, confirmed she just wants people to like her, showing her love with twelve reminder emails about her survey. “I’m so grateful to be on E-board, and even happier to be your friend,” said Rojas, completely unaware of the growing disregard for her…
410 THURSTON AVENUE—Citing cancellations resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, the Cornell Undergraduate Admissions Office assured applicants to the class of 2025 that they need not worry about standardized testing requirements, so long as they don’t mind getting rejected. “We understand that, because of Covid-19, future rejected applicants are unable to take or retake the SAT…
