ARTS QUAD — Completely overshadowing the rhetoric and emotion of today’s ceremony, the feminist overtones of President Elizabeth Garrett’s administration stole the stage at the historic inauguration ceremony Friday morning. “I worked on my speech for days, but I think what people were most enamored by was that I’m the first Cornell President to wear…
Like many other seniors this year, I too have taken part in the job safari, but unlike others I have caught the elusive career lion. Yes, I have become the champion of the hunt, and I will thusly begin my life in New York City with the rest of the Cornellian pack at one of…
THE PROSPECT OF WHITBY—In a record bad day for poultry, a chicken has been found in complete and utter disarray after being turned away from all cooperative living opportunities, left with absolutely no co-op to call home. “It is honestly a bit of a bummer, because she really was one of our more enthusiastic mosey-ers….
HO PLAZA– In an unforeseen turn of events, the Cornell Store announced early Monday morning that it would be significantly reducing the price of merchandise on a wide array of items at an almost alarming rate. For the first time in the history of profit-driven retail, the store has placed an estimated two/thirds of its…
ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY – Following a wonderful, chemistry-filled conversation over Mongolian stir-fry and chicken bacon ranch pizza, the mood between Lance Becker ‘20 and Sarah Burr ‘20 was reportedly killed Tuesday night when the guy behind the pasta counter reminded them the dining hall would be closing at 9:00 p.m. “Everything was going well…
GANNETT — A serious hardship for Cornell students is the steep hike up Libe Slope from West Campus, which often results in fatigue, soreness and loss of legs. Cornell Student Health Services has announced plans to open facilities at the summit of Libe Slope for the express purpose of re-attaching limbs that may have fallen…
COLLEGETOWN — The Eddy Street Gate released a statement saying that it, too, has no idea how it got there. The gate, originally erected in 1896, was supposed to be an entrance to Cornell’s main campus, but by some unknown mechanism is sitting in the back alley behind Cascadilla Hall. “I don’t belong here,” said…
STEWART AVE—In a mysterious turn of events, Jacob Haddow ‘24 awoke this morning to discover a large hole in his apartment wall matching the precise proportions of his roommate. Further perplexing was his housemate’s insistence that the gaping abscess in their hallway had “always been there.” “I honestly can’t believe he doesn’t remember this,” said…
BAILEY HALL—After completing a grueling organic chemistry prelim, students confirmed it wouldn’t have been so bad if some selfish asshole hadn’t been sobbing uncontrollably the whole time. “I couldn’t believe what a dick the guy sitting in front of me was,” Elena Martinez ‘24 said of the bawler. “How is anyone supposed to focus on…
