ARTES QUADRANGLE—Th’Cornell Renaissance Faire is underway, and its stewards hath invited to the festival a jester moste famous. Mister Colin Joust of Manhattan did agree to ‘tend the faire, where he’ll entertain crowds of revellers with’s fantastical and humorous tales. Mr Joust, perhaps best knowne for his exceedingly fair wife, is also a moste respected…
Edging out Plant Sciences by 40 votes, the winner of the second annual Major Cornell Major Tournament is Food Sciences! Out of the top 64 of the many majors at Cornell, Food Sciences is crowned the absolute toppest. Thank you to everyone who participated in this tournament. Food Sciences nerds have won three articles about…
As the newly appointed president of Cornell University, I know I have many challenges coming my way. With tensions rising across college campuses, I have to act quickly. That is why the absolute most important thing for me to do on the first day on the job is to brainstorm a new theme year. I…
NORTH CAMPUS – A somber mood has struck the Cornell campus today as student IknowagirlJanet Whosthebestlittleontheplanet has been reported as missing. Local authorities have been asking members of the surrounding community if they’ve seen Ms. Whosthebestlittleontheplanet, who was last seen on Facebook two days ago but has never been seen in person. Based on her…
THURSTON AVENUE—Partygoers were perplexed when Phi Alpha Rho doorman Terrance Robinson ‘25 asked them if they had three brothers before admitting them to the event. “I think the guy was kinda in over his head,” said attendee Jared Carlson ‘24. “I thought I’d misheard [Robinson] at first, but he was insistent that I tell him…
DAY HALL — Cornell announced early Monday morning that yesterday would be the last Sunday for the academic year. “We conducted a large-scale study of how students worked during the course of a week and we discovered that Sunday was the leader in a number of concerning categories,” said April May, the chair of Cornell’s…
MEWS HALL—Last Saturday, Daphne Smythe ‘25 suddenly awakened in the middle of the night to see a hooded figure holding a chalice filled with a mysterious red liquid loudly chanting Latin hymns outside her dorm room window. “I know who’s behind this malicious threat!” Smythe declared triumphantly. “It must be that darn Daphne Smithe in…
DRYDEN—Citing high rent costs and low demand, Collegetown’s newest restaurant will close immediately following opening day. “It’s been quite a run getting the ingredients needed to make our would-be-famous pizza, but unfortunately, I think our time here in Collegetown is done,” said owner Botswana Capri-Sun at the restaurant’s joint grand opening and going out of…
Cornell has always been a trailblazer, and I must start by commending the university, which began admitting women in 1872, only seven years after its founding. Since its inception, Cornell has been at the forefront of the struggle for the equality of people who mensturate, and can finally say it provides free access to period…
CORNELL HEALTH–Calling it a “miracle of modern medicine,” Cornell Health doctors were overjoyed to announce a complete recovery among all students who read the writing on the wall and went to see a legitimate medical institution instead. “At Cornell Health, we’re proud to be the #2 healthcare provider near campus, and #1 without the 7/11…
