BAILEY HALL—Nina Ojeda ‘28 was taking her seat in Tuesday’s CS1110 lecture when a furious fit of coughing from the seat behind her caught her attention. Turning around, she saw her classmate David Mendelson ‘28 with back arched and glasses askew, clearly straining to expel something abominable from his gullet. “I’m fairly certain he was…
URIS HALL—Architecture student Jeremy Caspar ’25 was left in shock Wednesday after discovering that he had failed his most recent assignment, not for copying the exact design of Uris Hall, in a bold-faced act of plagiarism, but rather for submitting a structure so profoundly unsettling. “I just don’t get it,” complained a perplexed Caspar. “When…
HO PLAZA, BASE OF OPERATIONS – The Ithaca sector of the Girl Scouts of America have entered the next phase of their campus infiltration, as dozens of six-year-olds and their parents enforce their confection-based fascist agenda outside of Willard Straight Hall. “These freethinkers will pay for not accepting our cookies as mandated by the constitution…
CUNooz: It’s great to sit down with you, Supreme Leader Skorton. What do you think the administration can do to help decrease student loan burdens? David Skorton (DS): What? (puts on glasses) Who-who are you? How did you get into my house?!? CUNooz: Ha! That’s what we like to hear. So those new nets have…
GANNETT- Sources are reporting that a small handful of students are still angry with the University administration about the implementation of a $350 health fee that enraged campus only weeks ago. “Oh yeah, the whole health fee thing! It feels like that was so long ago,” recalled junior Rebecca Hardy, who herself was among the…
AG QUAD—Recent rising temperatures have prompted Cornell students to change their styles, leading to a proliferation of exposed knees, arms, and deep emotional wounds related to body image. “I love that I can now wear fun open-toed shoes instead of the bean boots I needed to trudge through street slush. My style improving almost makes…
Click to see enlarged bracket. Vote here for round II! The results are in – you voted, and 32 majors have moved on to round two of this year’s tournament! There were some huge upsets. Who could have predicted 16 seed Fiber Science to beat out the one seed Hotel Administration? And how did French…
COLLEGETOWN—As Cornell announced a new list of COVID-19 restrictions, campus fraternities voiced concern about the new rules as only Greek life can: through dramatic gestures that almost certainly make the issue worse. “This is a matter of principle,” commented Zeta Gamma president James Mendelson ‘22. “We checked, and there is nothing in the rules that…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD–While homecoming weekend is an exciting time for all students, surely no one is anticipating it more than Casey Gable ‘25, a football player who derives sexual gratification from being publicly humiliated. “I love it when the whole stadium has their eyes on me in my tight little shorts,” groaned Gable, already sweating through…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL— In response to a wave of controversial guests from designated hate groups visiting campus, as well as a wave of protests against them, Cornell Centrists have found middle ground by inviting undesignated hate groups instead. “Clearly campus is incredibly divided right now,” claimed Centrist President Brett Nichards ‘23. “On one side, you…
