ITHACA, NY- Anticipating torrential rains, infestation of all crops via locusts, and crevices opening up to reveal the fiery pits of Hell, Cornell has announced that they have considered canceling classes for this Wednesday. As of now, students who have classes at times before 10 a.m. will fortunately avoid the rapture for a few more…
IVES HALL— In the face of mounting pressure from his peers, Industrial and Labor Relations junior Brent Samson recently assuaged fears that he was a corporatist, boot-licking Bezos simp by vaguely claiming that he has plans to work in the labor movement eventually, unless of course he could make more money in corporate law. “I…
BAKER HALL—After Cornell announced that campus will be closed starting at 5 AM, dedicated chemistry professor Chuck E. Chang had no choice but to drag his students into lecture at the crisp hour of 4 in the morning. “Normally I don’t allow beverages in my classroom, but I made a special exception for those students…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Key figures in the Cornell athletic department were stunned when zero Cornelians were selected in this week’s NFL draft, their first such omission in the 365 days since last years’ draft.. “When I think of Cornell, I think of a historic football powerhouse,” said Coach David Archer ‘05. “For this program not to have…
URIS LIBRARY—While working on renovations in Uris Library’s Cocktail Lounge, construction workers have been flagrantly disregarding the “Whisper Zone” signs located throughout the study area. “They’re just so inconsiderate. How am I supposed to watch Netflix or snap my brothers when the jackhammers and table saws are exceeding the level of a gentle whisper?” complained…
DAY HALL—Following the bungled use of a tabulation app at the Iowa Caucuses, Cornell has officially offered to train the DNC on how to use the university-adopted iClicker Reef polling app. “We here at Cornell know that there is no better way to quickly calculate poll results than by using the Reef Polling app. Not…
DAY HALL—In a surprise announcement by the administration this Tuesday, Cornell will replace Duo Mobile with a permission form to take home to Mommy in its newest efforts in the war on cybercrime. “I think this new system is just lovely,” remarked Kaitlyn McCullough, mother of Xander McCullough ‘23, as she cut up a PB&J…
COLLEGETOWN — After a full month of having Collegetown’s eclectic apartments to themselves, local cockroaches have reported record-breaking excitement surrounding their humans’ return. Despite the many benefits of student absence, including a noticeable drop in average household stress levels and the clearing of an ever-present strawberry vape cloud, many roaches still just miss having their…
HO PLAZA—To the relief of many students, a recent hunger strike in response to continued government inaction on sensible gun reform has aligned perfectly with the dieting period before Spring Break. “No matter how strict my meals were, I could never lose enough weight to get the bod I wanted. It’s much easier to squeeze…
BAKER LAB — In the lecture following their second prelim, pre-med student Aaron Hale ‘23 nervously reassured his CHEM 2070 classmates that, despite missing the prelim last Thursday, the curve should definitely bring him up to at least a C. “I mean, basically the same thing happened last time,” muttered Hale to himself, whose grade…
