These frat doormen are on a serious power trip. For my three years at Cornell, I’ve been sold the lie that if I can name enough people at a fraternity’s front door, then they’ll let me into their party. Well, this Halloween I was still denied entry even though I can name Dahmer, Bundy, and…
SPACE SCIENCES BUILDING—Despite the early hour of the advanced astrophysics class, Professor DeGrasse was reportedly unfazed by the glazed eyes of his sleep deprived students. Thanks to his early morning trip to drop his four-year-old son off at day care, the Professor had a trick up his sleeve that was sure to get his students…
NORTHEAST ITHACA—With the arrival of October, the Homecoming festivities have finally come to a close at Cornell University. However, one eager student with cash to blow has not gotten the message. “Did you know that I had the blessed chance to see once-in-a-lifetime music revolutionary Steve Aoki at the ZBT house?” asked sophomore transfer Jackson…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—During a government discussion section last week, one student, Courtney Howe ‘29, took a large step towards actualizing her humanity by saying her first words. The comment shook the classroom, which had become accustomed to Howe silently sitting in the furthest left corner of the room. “I agree,” she said, rocking in her…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL – Monday, in one of her weekly emails to the student body, Denise Cassaro reminded students that the semester, as well as their youth, is already half-over. “Wow!” remarked Cassaro in her signature multi-color newsletter. “I can’t believe it! It feels like the semester just began! In just a few weeks you…
BARTON HALL- Jeremy Schmidt ’19, a Freshman AEM major, stopped by today’s career fair to present the J.P. Morgan recruiters with a distinguished copy of the same resume he used in high school. “National Honor Society AND Recycling Club. Once J.P. Morgan sees that, they can’t turn me down,” stated Schmidt, who is 3 weeks…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Students in Polynesian Practical Politics were sent ducking for cover amidst Professor Paul Peter’s lecture on the Preparedness of Polynesian Professional Politicians. Professor Peter, who is best known for his over-the-top alliteration and his tendency to practically swallow the microphone every class, had students particularly concerned in this lecture. “The front row is…
COLLEGETOWN- A green Chevrolet Camaro crashed through the windows of Collegetown Pizza at approximately 1:34 AM, early Saturday morning. As of now, there are only 327 reported injuries, most of which were minor. All the passengers of the car, including 2 males and 14 females, sustained no injuries. Cayuga Medical Center reported that this is…
ITHACA – Drew Teegen, a history major graduating this May, recently announced that he has found employment as a factory worker in Victorian era England. The senior plans on beginning his employment in July of 1844. “Through my history classes at Cornell, I’ve learned a number of highly marketable skills,” explained Teegan. “Including an in-depth…
COLLEGETOWN—In an unusual decision motivated by the “unprecedented circumstances” brought about by the ongoing pandemic, students collectively decided that drinking would be considered socially acceptable this Tuesday night. “We, by which I mean myself and the guys, are committed to doing everything possible to mitigate the impacts of COVID on our student body by fucking…
