A chance find within Cornell University’s archives yielded a stunning discovery yesterday. Under several piles of old documents, a university archive intern found a letter from Ezra Cornell with a new ending to our beloved “Any person any study” quotation. Intern Brittney Ellis noticed that the quote actually read: “I would found an institution where…
WARREN HALL — After having recently gone through a tough breakup, AEM major and recent bachelor Kenneth Archer has stated that all he is looking for in life is someone special to network with. “I don’t deal well with being lonely, and not having a partner in life that I can share business connections with…
William Keeton House— Sources say that North Campus resident Sally Jacobs ’18 has been spending a concerning amount of time with Johnny Wilson ’17 who lives in Keeton House on Cornell’s West Campus. “Guys like that are scum, they’re all rats. Everybody knows he’s only after one thing,” said Jacobs’ best friend Tammy Carr ’18…
Thanksgiving is a day in which friends and family give their thanks for all that they are grateful for. This year, I plan on expressing a huge thank you to God for gifting me with an invaluable asset: a succulent, sizable, stank-ass pussy. When forging me from his flesh, God decided to direct any weight…
CASCADILLA HALL—Architecture major Barry Kletz ‘26 completed major renovations on his Cascadilla single after he converted his previously drab living space into a fabulous walk-in closet by simply leaving all his laundry on the floor for an entire week. “Having all the clothes right here in front of me has enabled outfits I would’ve never…
ITHACA, NY—Tuesday’s election exposed a number of shortcomings in Republican incumbent Marc Molinaro (5’7”) when he fell short of being reelected by a number of votes and inches. Noted DC insider Josh Riley (6’7”) ran a successful campaign that rose above partisan differences, and Marc Molinaro (5’6”). “I wasn’t originally going to vote for Riley…
THURSTON AVENUE—Cornell Panhellenic has announced the addition of a 14th chapter for students who are looking to join a sorority, but terminate their membership after a year. “I am very interested because I have always wanted to live in a fancy house, but ditch before I have to drown myself in paint and glitter to…
ITHACA, NY – Ithaca’s new sidewalk-salting campaign has been a large scale attempt to combat the bland flavor of the city’s paths and walkways. Complaints started rolling in to the town council in early 2011 that Ithaca sidewalks were fairly tasteless, and that most residents felt some sort of seasoning was necessary to enhance the…
OLIN HALL — Finishing up yet another assignment for his Introduction to Python course, rising sophomore Jordan Noble is acing his summer classes while, at the same time, failing at summer vacation. “The course is going really well, I love the professor and the homeworks are pretty fun!” said Noble as all his peers were…
CORNELL DAIRY BAR–Cornell alum Ann Coulter ‘84 returned to campus this week to enlighten the misguided student body about the sorts of ideas actually protected under freedom of expression. After explaining to her audience how immigration will kill us all or something like that, Coulter switched gears to sample the flavors of the Freedom of…
