GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—In this rising age of polarization, it is rare that parties reach across the aisle to get important work done. In a stunning development for bipartisanship, Cornell Dems and Cornell Republicans have each agreed to “only have two women”. Cornell Republican President Jake Horan ‘25 was relieved that the two groups were able…
BUCKINGHAM HALL—After a trip to Spirit Halloween last Tuesday, one student believed they had the perfect topical political costume: the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Liz Truss. Unfortunately, after two days of excitedly telling friends about their head-of-state costume, they discovered that their Halloween muse had quit her job. “Oh sure, what is my…
BEDROOM—As the drop deadline quickly approaches and her virtual classes begin to pile on work, Sara Gomez ‘21, has been tempted to cut down on her commitments by dropping her time consuming boyfriend. “I’m taking Linear Algebra, Organic Chemistry, Computational Genomics, Electromagnetism, and my boyfriend Jack,” she explained. After Zooming with academic advisors, and going…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—With one day left to study, fashion design student Jennifer Suh ‘24 is freaking the hell out over her impending final with a daunting subject: Zippers. “I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do,” explained an exasperated Suh. “There is so much I have to shove inside my head…
DAY HALL—Following the bungled use of a tabulation app at the Iowa Caucuses, Cornell has officially offered to train the DNC on how to use the university-adopted iClicker Reef polling app. “We here at Cornell know that there is no better way to quickly calculate poll results than by using the Reef Polling app. Not…
sibley hall—-i mean yeah because it’s almost finals week i’m a little extra stressed out right now but my doctor and also all my professors and friends and family are exaggerating things a little like yeah obviously i haven’t been sleeping or eating all that much and my breathing pattern has settled into permanent hyperventilation…
LYNAH RINK- The men’s hockey team was defeated by Union College Saturday evening in a game that was tightly contested for all three periods. “Our boys fought hard out there,” said Coach Mike Schafer of the game in which his team allowed their opponent to score only once, a touchdown for seven points, on defense….
If you met Thomas the Tank Engine in real life, would you flirt with him? Between the Webkinz and the Beanie Babies, which are tops and which are bottoms? Justify your answer. On a scale of one to ten, if you were one of Mr. Rogers’ puppets, how good would his hand feel up you?…
BAKER FLAGPOLE – Trudging through the cold February flurries to the West Campus bus stop, hundreds of students are heading home for the long Fall Break weekend. “My girlfriend and I were both too busy to actually be together on Valentine’s Day, so this Fall Break is our chance to make up for it. We’re…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After the Convocation Committee’s exhaustive search to find a speaker resulted in a last-minute cancellation by Hassan Minhaj, the committee has unilaterally decided to give up and just throw on an old episode of “Bill Nye The Science Guy” to play at Convocation. “Kids love the show’s zany experiments and humorous sketches, and…
