OLIN LIBRARY—What would have been a typical evening for late-night studier Matt Kippler ‘24 took an unexpected turn for the heartfelt after he overheard a moment of beautiful catharsis between Lucas Braht ‘25 and his estranged father occuring at the desk directly to his right. Though Kippler failed to submit the internship application he had…
After months of anticipation, the University finally announced decisions for the undergraduate Class of 2020. Here are the official admissions statistics of those few thousand students lucky enough to be admitted: Recently given a copy of “Oh the Places You’ll Go”: 60% Thoughts on war: “bad” Total calories: 305,293,753 Average Eyesight: 20/100, ironically Honest People:…
By Ryan Lombardi, Vice President of Student and Campus Life A new university initiative to block off access to Ezra’s Tunnel was announced Wednesday, and I am already bombarded with demands to make the pathway more accessible. All of you are under the impression that we just need to add some staircases to make the…
DUFFIELD HALL–Adorable! Proud onlookers report that Benny DeCosta ‘23 looked as cute as a button in his big boy suit today as he prepared for his interview with the hypersonic missiles branch of Raytheon Technologies. DeCosta’s big day began early. He was too excited to sleep, so he watched an episode of Barney and Friends…
COLLEGETOWN—A new gastro-judicial establishment is coming to Ithaca! Justice Felix Frankfurter, co-founder of the Big Red Food Court, said he and partner Warren E. Burger are opening the food court to address a recent rash of culinary litigation. “Brown v. Cutting Board, Lawrence v. Tex-Mex, Miranda v. Arizona Iced Tea, and Worcestershire v. Georgia are…
ITHACA, NY — According to an aggressively loud conversation, sources have confirmed that area freshman Adam Nelson has become the first individual to come up with five “drinking days” of the week. In an act of astounding wit and ingenuity, the natural resources major was loudly shouting, “Yo, let’s go! It’s Mixed-Drink Monday! let’s get…
ITAHCA, NY – In what she called “an effort to make [her] computer feel a little more personal”, Emma Altman ‘15 installed stickers for Collegetown Bagels and local restaurant Agava on the back of her laptop. “The other day I noticed nothing was on the back of my Macbook, so I thought to myself, what…
THURSTON AVE.—On a crisp winter afternoon, Isa Tan ‘29 was trudging back from her PHYS 1110 lab when she was treated to an educational real-world demonstration. “I probably deserved this for getting a 4 on AP Physics,” Tan reasoned, labelling the experience “only slightly less humbling than my last prelim.” “It’s strange—I like to think…
ARTS QUAD — A new study shows that Californian students are already tired of students from colder regions telling them how much colder it’s going to get. “I get it. I’m from California. I’m already wearing the warmest jacket I own. It’s going to get colder, I get it. I know how the seasons work,”…
ITHACA, NY-Recent evidence supports the long reigning claim that The Cornell Daily Sun is, in fact, run by an evil race of mutant lizard people. The office of the Sun has been reported closed from December 6th, until January 19th, the coldest period of the year, during which time a cold-blooded species (such as lizard…
