GULF OF MEXICO—Since his return to office, President Donald Trump has issued dozens of executive orders, demanding everything from the end of birthright citizenship to withdrawal from various international agreements. On Friday, the President took things a step further, signing an order entitled “Protecting America From Invasion By Meddling Foreign Drafts and Moistures”, which aims…
MORRISON DINING—In just their first week on campus, freshmen have been subjected to unsavory dining hall food due to the ongoing strike of Cornell Dining workers. In response, many of these new students and their parents have taken to social media to express their frustrations. One student, however, doesn’t seem to mind the new dining…
BAKER LAB — In the lecture following their second prelim, pre-med student Aaron Hale ‘23 nervously reassured his CHEM 2070 classmates that, despite missing the prelim last Thursday, the curve should definitely bring him up to at least a C. “I mean, basically the same thing happened last time,” muttered Hale to himself, whose grade…
ITHACA, NY-Recent evidence supports the long reigning claim that The Cornell Daily Sun is, in fact, run by an evil race of mutant lizard people. The office of the Sun has been reported closed from December 6th, until January 19th, the coldest period of the year, during which time a cold-blooded species (such as lizard…
In a hostile takeover this past week, the Cornell chapter of sorority Sigma Kappa Tau ruthlessly overtook and installed their own dominion over the third floor of Mann Library. The monarchy, established with Lady Jenny Harquist ’14 as lord-protector of the realm, expects all students studying on 3 Mann to be vassals of the new…
MARY DONLON HALL—While the vast majority of students visited home over Thanksgiving Break, reports confirm that Brian O’Connor (ILR ’18) had a great time staying in his quiet, lonely dorm the past five days. “It probably would’ve been really really nice spend time with my parents, or my dog, or my girlfriend of three years….
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After a long and contentious debate period, a majority of Cornell’s governing student body voted that out of all footwear options, the tastiest by far are Timberlands. The discussion prior to the vote was marred by infighting and irregular procedure. Students wondered whether the Timberlands in question were the generic tan color and…
RPCC – According to reports trickling in from North Campus residents, total loser Nicholas Sarpinsky ‘20 was seen eating his dinner at RPCC all by himself again. “I’m tired of these lonely social sadsacks taking our table all for themselves,” said Sam Losey ‘20, a member of the Donlon 4 hallway group, who regularly patronize…
BARTELS HALL—In a move that many students and staffers have deemed “confusing” and “kind of creepy,” Cornell’s new guidelines to help prevent the spread of COVID-19 included a suggestion that students undergoing surveillance tests should stare directly at their tester as they count down from ten. “I was confused when the latest email from Cornell…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—This Monday, exactly 20 years after the U.S. invasion of Iraq caused countless deaths, Cornell Republicans are celebrating this victory of conservative policy by declaring publicly that Morrison staff are preparing a weapon to destroy all of mankind. “We have reliable intelligence that suggests Morrison stir fry is actually made with 95% enriched…
