WEST CAMPUS—The McGraw Hall renovations this semester have forcibly relocated much of the History Department. One faculty member, Professor Williams, has responded to the relocation by taking up temporary residence at a nearby fraternity house on West Campus. Several months since the move, Williams seems to have assimilated into the fraternity’s culture: participating in traditions,…
COCKTAIL LOUNGE— While most students are struggling to keep up at this point in the semester, Kenzie Arnett ‘26 is managing the pressure of demanding academics with poise and grace. She has it all: a little white iPad with color coded notes, a color coded GCal, and a moodboard for her Punta Cana spring break…
BAILEY HALL—Nina Ojeda ‘28 was taking her seat in Tuesday’s CS1110 lecture when a furious fit of coughing from the seat behind her caught her attention. Turning around, she saw her classmate David Mendelson ‘28 with back arched and glasses askew, clearly straining to expel something abominable from his gullet. “I’m fairly certain he was…
URIS HALL—A new Cornell Daily Sun column entitled “Abstinence on Mondays” is facing intense backlash from Cornell Republicans. The conservative group has called the column offensive to individuals (such as themselves) who practice abstinence daily. Cornell Republicans Vice President Simon Beck ’26, who has not touched a woman in many, many moons, released a statement…
WASHINGTON D.C.—The actions of the Trump administration have left many federal workers confused and anxious about their futures. With previously indispensable positions being eliminated left and right, even those in seemingly stable fields have started to worry. For the first time, Andy Galeano of the Department of Job Stability and Secure Income has started to…
UNITED FLIGHT 4390—Ornithology enthusiast Sam Harriman ‘27 got a real treat Thursday as his flight to Newark encountered a large flock of geese. The gaggle crossed the airplane’s path shortly after takeoff from Ithaca Tompkins International Airport. Harriman, an active member of the Cornell Birding Club, eagerly grabbed his binoculars and peered out the window….
MORRISON DINING—A boisterous bunch of men clad in red demonstrated their considerable appetites in Morrison Monday night, eyewitnesses report. These towering, well-built young athletes flooded the dining hall after release from their respective practices in droves large enough to increase the median height of the Morrison diner by a whopping four inches. Observers described their…
VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis remains in critically awesome condition, according to Holy See officials. “On February 14, His Holiness was admitted to Rome’s Gemelli Hospital for complications resulting from a gnarly wipeout,” said Vatican spokesman Matteo Bruni. “We pray that he recovers as quickly as his nimble board grinds down the railings of St. Peter’s Basilica.”…
TEMPLE OF ZEUS—After airballing an easy shot at one of the marble benches, Junior Varsity Zeus Patron Luka D’Angelo ‘28 was once again relegated to the bench. “Fuck, dude,” grumbled the frustrated freshman, parting a curtain of his bustling competitors to stalk off the court. Having reached his familiar haunt—a particularly uncomfortable wooden bench in…
COLLEGETOWN—Ithaca winter weather brings plummeting temperatures and gale-force winds, making a meager 32 degrees feel like sub-zero. The temperature alone is enough to dishearten even the most ardent winter enthusiasts. However, there is but one force stronger than the most biting chill of a Cornell February, inextinguishable by the elements, that scarcely dims in the…
