TEMPLE OF ZEUS—’Twas a day most ordinary in the most extravagant food shoppe in Ithaca: Doth Great Temple of Zeus. For Junior Owen Sowerberry ’25, the price to feed a troublesome caffeine addiction was damn near impossible. Upon the realization that he had spent his last pittance to wash his ragged work clothes, Sowerberry realized…
Hey friends. Just thought I’d check in because all week, there’s just been one, singular question on my mind. Seriously, this puppy’s been keeping me up all night. If you die, what happens to your BRBs? Is it like a next-of-kin thing? Like a “oh hey, sorry your brother died, but at least you’re set…
DAY HALL — The Cornell administration recently announced that the newest editions of the Big Red Bucks will feature a woman on the card for the first time. “We pride ourselves in being a progressive university that always keeps up with the times,” said Anderson Blackwell, head of student life, in statement dictating a duty…
BECKER DINING HALL — In a new move to encourage the naughty children not to eat in a most rapacious manner, Cornell Dining will begin the new “All We Allow You to Eat” meal plan this semester. Under the restrictive dining option, only one bowl of gruel shall be appropriated to each boy and girl,…
DUFFIELD HALL – After swiping his ID card and anxiously staring the Mattin’s Café register, mechanical engineer Ben Hornstein ’19 was pleased to discover that he had scored slightly above a standard deviation of the mean BRB balance. “It’s such a relief to see all my work pay off,” commented Hornstein, excitedly clutching his Chipotle…
