DRYDEN ROAD—Fresh off the widely-anticipated opening of Mango Mango in Collegetown, restaurateur Bernard Shepards is hoping to capitalize on the fervor with his new dessert venture, Onion Onion. “We know we may not be students’ first choice dessert spot,” admitted Shepards as he prepared his personal-favorite Onion Mochi. “But if you have a bitter tooth,…
PLUM TREE —Though it’s quiet in the empty restaurant this morning, Jamie Takahashi, Plum Tree owner, knows it’s the calm before the storm. “We are a restaurant haunted by its past and preparing for its future. Formal season is about to begin and unless we’re ready, we’ll be obliterated.” “Every year, Collegetown restaurants face an…
OLIN LIBRARY — Librarians at Olin Library are reportedly still enthusiastic about getting students to use their library despite current construction actively destroying their workplace.. “We’re really excited about the new renovations going on here,” said librarian Dana Holcomb ‘89, gesturing to the crushed wreck that once was the circulation desk. “Unfortunately, that does mean…
PEPSICO AUDITORIUM– In an attempt to encourage healthy on campus living habits, Cornell Dining, Cornell Health, and the Cornell Department of Nutritional Sciences have released a food guide recommending that students consume 12 servings of PepsiCo products every day. “Many young adults find out that college is the time to start thinking about what you…
DAY HALL — Following recent hazing allegations, members of Cornell Mock Trial are eagerly anticipating the potential for legal action. “We practice our courtroom skills for competitions all year, but we never get to do any real lawyer stuff,” said club President Michael Saks ‘20. “If we get the chance to face an actual lawsuit,…
IVES HALL—Overclocking his 9th Generation Intel Core and NVIDIA GeForce RTX to open yet another Wikipedia tab, Dennis Murphy ‘23 pushed the absolute limits of his Razer Blade Pro 17 to write an essay for his FWS. With each keystroke, the keys on Murphy’s individually backlit ghost-proof Chroma keyboard flashed in a beautiful chromatic symphony,…
OLIN LIBRARY—Despite the announcement that free printing on campus has been delayed until next fall, dumb piece of shit Andy Bardner ‘21 still has faith that Cornell will eventually provide free printing. “I’ve done a whole cost-benefit analysis, and it’s at least a few cents cheaper to wait for free printing than purchasing my own…
MORRISON HALL—Local Animal Science major Dimitri Rubinov ‘23 is carrying his passion for the animal kingdom into the bedroom by only having sex doggy style. “It seems arrogant to go against the sexual practices of every single other animal,” Rubinov announced. “At the end of the day, we are just animals. My Cornell education has…
BAKER LAB — In the lecture following their second prelim, pre-med student Aaron Hale ‘23 nervously reassured his CHEM 2070 classmates that, despite missing the prelim last Thursday, the curve should definitely bring him up to at least a C. “I mean, basically the same thing happened last time,” muttered Hale to himself, whose grade…
DUFFIELD HALL — According to student treasurers, clubs and societies at Cornell now attribute a majority of their incoming revenue to Krispy Kreme donut sales as opposed to their allocated budget from the Student Activities Funding Commission (SAFC). Citing denied budget requests and stringent requirements, various clubs have decided that Krispy Kreme is a more…
