FEENEY WAY– For Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff, a new school year means a fresh start, this time with a new, tank-like flavor. After coming under fire for running over a student protester’s foot last spring, Kotlikoff has renounced his toe-hungry whip and found a more soothing replacement. Nothing, it seems, screams new beginnings like a…
DANBURY, CT—After decades on the run, Cornell’s Andrew D. White Professor-At-Large was located and taken into police custody earlier this morning. The disgraced ex–faculty member, formerly known as Dr. Robert LeRoy, was forced from his position after a fierce parking dispute and went on the lam in 1965. Later that year, the vengeful Board of…
OLIN LIBRARY—With the end of the school year quickly approaching, many students have begun to write their final papers. Unfortunately, this endeavor has not been completely successful in every case. “There’s all this hype about L-DOC that I just don’t understand,” said Josh Richards ‘26. “I have a 30-page paper on Tibetan Buddhism due tonight,…
URIS GARDEN– Robert Frost reports that the woods are not, in fact, as “lovely, dark, and deep” as he once believed after eating absolute shit on the treacherous pathway from Uris Hall just this past week. When the quaint classrooms of Uris Hall failed him in his search for poetic inspiration, Frost turned to the…
MY APARTMENT—I was thinking, like, wow, we’ve known each other for so long, and I’d like for us to get closer. There’s this unspoken bond between us, where I write articles about you, and you don’t really acknowledge them because flirting with a student “isn’t appropriate”, but I know you enjoy the attention. I remember…
BARTON HALL—Following last week’s protests at Cornell’s annual campus-wide career fair, the administration has taken swift action to appease the student body: The invitation list at the rescheduled event has been amended to include only the friendly, wholesome defense contractors. Despite the disruption, students are still looking forward to the event. “I’m excited to talk…
URIS HALL—In a non-stop crusade to find his FWS classroom, Davey Harris ‘27 has spent the past seven days living in the septic corridors of Uris Hall. Though his concerned peers have advised that he simply drop the course (and perhaps seek psychiatric help), Harris is determined to find UH249. “I’ve circled this floor 1,643…
DUFFIELD HALL—Following the high attendance and excitement at this past weekend’s Mock Shaadi, a fake wedding ceremony that incorporated elements from various South Asian cultures, the Cornell South Asian Council (SAC) plans on following the natural course of events in a marriage by hosting a mock altercation in which parents yell horrible things at each…
Both beloved and hated, the online prelim represents the crosssection of two axioms all Cornell students know to be true: prelims fucking suck and everyone is cheating. Unique from other schools’ tawdry tests or even… exams, prelims are the true inquisition into the twenty-year-old student’s (who is intelligent but not too smart or they’d have…
COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling…
