FEENEY WAY—Life as a Cornell upperclassman is filled with many burdens: increased academic responsibility, off-campus housing, and the agony of paying the TCAT bus fare. Only on weekends and weekdays after 6 PM are these disenfranchised students privy to the free rides that freshmen enjoy guiltlessly—and few are ever so lucky. Some students are quick…
TITUS FLATS, ITHACA—One Cornell first-year’s visit to the Ithaca REI Co-op was confounded by her fellow shoppers’ on-brand clothing choices. Delaney Huelster ‘29 anticipated a short trip to the store to purchase new winter boots. Unbeknownst to her, the REI, which is located at South Meadow Square Shopping Center and offers a wide variety of…
DUFFIELD HALL—After countless rounds of insufferable coffee chats, campus consulting clubs finally sifted through their applications and hand-picked the candidates with the brightest future in the donut industry to join their exclusive organization. Recruitment Director Donna Baker ‘26 shed some light on the deliberation process: “The applications of any tasteless fools who prefer bagels to…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Students of Professor Gary Whitman have expressed growing concern for their physics instructor after his lectures took a dismal turn in the last couple of weeks. While the discovery of Whitman’s ongoing divorce saddened his pupils, few of them were surprised. “Yeah, he’s kind of been hinting at it,” admitted Shriya Pradhan ‘28. According…
URIS—Amidst the hubbub of the evening exodus from campus libraries as students wrapped up their studying for the night, one student remained trapped in a purgatory of his own making: his print job was less than 30 percent of the way done. As the vile machine cranked out inch by agonizing inch, Johnny Keagan ’26…
BARTON HALL— Excitement was in the air at Cornell’s Fall ClubFest as students eagerly perused hundreds of the University’s student-run organizations. Clubs employed a variety of methods to entice students to join their communities, such as flashy posters, games, and performances. “A lot of clubs have already caught my attention,” observed Annika Williams ’27. “They…
NORTH CAMPUS—Cornellians are privileged to have access to such a wide variety of unique opportunities, and new students are always eager to take advantage of the multitude of offerings. Many freshmen have already forged new friendships through the abundance of extracurriculars that this university provides. Tragically, the dream college life has not materialized for one…
OLIN LIBRARY—Panic ensued among patrons of Libe Cafe as what started off as a wimpy high-pitched whine grew into a deafening whistle, its shrill sound piercing ears and shattering phone screens. Searching for a means of sequestering the shrieking, workers rushed to unplug their appliances and knock over anything that might produce such an intense…
RUTH BADER GINSBURG HALL—Freshies, the first week of college is tough—college-living is a huge transition! If you’re feeling worried about the multitude of first-year frights—homesickness, courseload, dining hall food—you should probably add yet another anxiety to that list: the fact that you don’t have any friends while every single person around you has already found…
MARY DONLON HALL—James Woodhouse ‘26, who took eight shots of strawberry lemonade-flavored Svedka prior to attending ClubFest, awoke Monday morning to a pounding headache and hundreds of unopened GroupMe messages and listserv emails from completely unfamiliar organizations. “Oh god, what the fuck happened yesterday?” cried Woodhouse as he peeled laptop stickers off his clothes. “I’ve…
