MARY DONLON HALL—The Cornell administration has worked tirelessly to demonstrate its commitment to the safety of its student body, protecting them from people holding signs, concerts, and chalk. Although many of the students and organizations responsible for perpetuating these despicable acts have been suspended, their radical messaging continues to spread in new and horrifying ways. …
KÖNIGSBERG, NY—A tenured professor in the Department of Mathematics postponed a field trip to North Campus this weekend after stumbling upon a perplexing mathematical problem while planning the class’s route. “It’s remarkable,” said Dr. Leonhard Garner, scribbling furiously on a piece of yellowed parchment. “Suppose one intends to traverse the Fall Creek gorge in a…
NORTH CAMPUS–During a wave of midnight calls to RAs following freshmen locking themselves out of their rooms, one new student’s innovation has impressed residential staff campuswide by managing to lock themselves inside their room. “Honestly, this is just impressive,” remarked James Lansing ‘23, an RA in the new Ruth Bader Ginsburg Hall. “We’ve had hundreds…
LOW RISE SEVEN—The University Housing Department faced criticism this past week for their rapid action regarding rodents in Ganędagǫ: Hall as they continued to ignore the rampant infestation of bloodsucking vampire bats throughout Low Rise 7. The host of flighted mammals have reportedly occupied the dilapidated residence hall for several months without any university intervention….
MARY DONLON HALL– Faced with the prospect of returning home for the holidays with nothing to show for himself except a D- in his FWS, the most downvoted post in Cornell Reddit history, and a prematurely receding hairline, Jason Wincherly ‘25 was spared four weeks of his parents’ disappointed silence when he was suddenly hit…
FUERTES OBSERVATORY – Emerging from hours of research using the large refracting telescope on North Campus, Cornell’s top astronomers report that tonight’s supermoon will be pretty big, and also probably really bright or whatever. “It’s no total eclipse or transit of Venus or anything really cool, but it’ll be a nice little thing for the…
NORTH CAMPUS — Citing evidence compiled from a poll of 2,564 seniors who have revisited North Campus since their Freshman year, a report published Tuesday by the Cornell University Survey Research Institute claims that, despite common perception, North Campus has not shrunk in size over the past three years. According to the study, nearly 97…
