October 3, 2013 – CU Nooz

Headlines

“GET ON THE GROUND AND BEG LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!” Most Merciful Chem Professor Grants Extra Credit Opportunity
1 day ago
Cornell Football Player Drafted to NFL Proves that Coaches Should Be Tested for Brain Damage Too
3 days ago
“Does Your Mother Cry Because Her Daughter Is An Idiot?” Chem TA Compliments Curious Review Session Attendee
12 months ago12 months ago
“There’s a Day Hall?” Asks a Confused Martha Pollack Wandering Onto Campus for the Third Time This Year
12 months ago12 months ago
President Pollack Wishes a Happy Mother’s Day to All of the Students Whom she Denied Reproductive Healthcare
12 months ago12 months ago
President Pollack Suggests Fired Starbucks Workers Just Ask “Vice Barista” To Do All The Hard Stuff
12 months ago12 months ago

Harvard Threatens ECAC Shutdown If Not Granted 11 More Historical Hockey Wins Over Cornell

Nooz Staff11 years ago04 mins

Ted Donato, head coach of the Harvard Men’s Ice Hockey team, has threatened to cut off funding to ECAC, thereby shutting the entire organization down, unless 11 additional historical wins against Cornell are added to Harvard’s record. Such a move would tip Harvard’s total wins over the past 104 years above Cornell’s. “We have tried,…

Cornell Runs out of NetIDs

Nooz Staff11 years ago02 mins

In what school officials are describing as “an unparalleled crisis,” Cornell University has run out of unique email addresses to assign to its students and faculty. “This is not something we were anticipating,” admitted university CIO Ted Dodds. “But we have all hands on deck working around the clock to find a feasible remedy.” Since…