CASCADILLA HALL—Pissboy extraordinaire Alex Handerson ‘23 was delighted to receive an offer this Monday for an Amazon internship after revealing his productivity-maxing strategy of simply urinating in the container closest to him. “We knew Alex was the perfect fit for our corporate culture. Not only did he have zero concerns about the health risks, privacy…
DAY HALL—As Ryan Lombardi, Vice President of Student and Campus Life, finished the penultimate chicken wing in a spicy wing challenge with “Hot Ones” host Sean Evans, he became increasingly worried about his inability to taste any of them. Lombardi, who pounded through Wings 1 and 2, Sriracha and Franks respectively, initially believed his spice…
GATES HALL—In a heartwarming acknowledgment of the incredibly stressful environment his students are living in, one kind-hearted computer science professor put soothing music on during a prelim that he predetermined would be curved to an average of a near-failing grade. “The last few weeks have been stressful for my students. I saw them Zooming in…
ITHACA, NY—Following New York’s legalization of recreational cannabis, a university president of a certain Ithaca-based college has taken it upon herself to provide guidance and clarity for students. Not long after the ink dried on Governor Cuomo’s signing pen, Ithaca College President Shirley M. Collado sent an all-faculty and student email letting them know that…
COLLEGETOWN- To the dismay of many Cornellians, the street battle that has been waged by two feline tribes over rights to the dumpster behind D.P. Dough has continued to rage on for a third consecutive week. With much of the bloodshed being accompanied by hours of hissing and growling, residents of the apartments above have…
My mid-morning Critical Theory class had just begun, and, ever the eager pupil, I was excited to enter into a spirited debate about this week’s readings. As an informed moderate, I was prepared to argue that the true virtues of capitalism lie in the system’s benevolent attitudes towards working people, lifting them out of unemployment…
