“I’ll Have the Finest Steak Libe Cafe Has to Offer”: Little Orphan Boy Comes into Vast BRB Inheritance

Huzzah! Fortunes have surely changed for little Henry Sackcloth ‘26, who after a lifetime of poverty has discovered himself to be the sole inheritor of an immense BRB fortune!

Poor Sackcloth had lived out his Cornell education in deepest penury. His parents both having been taken from him at a young age by a tankard of tainted jungle juice, he had no financial prospects of his own and was forced to subsist off the meager offerings of the Free Food GroupMe. For friends he had only the rats that frolicked in the DP Dough bathroom and for shelter he had naught but a Jameson forced triple. Little could the impoverished waif have known that a solicitor was to do away with his troubles entirely!

The solicitor, hired on the behalf of the deceased Uris Duffield Goldwin-Smith, explained that Sackcloth was not, in fact, a hapless destitute but in truth a seventh generation Cornellian! As a skilled professional in the family business of being rich, Goldwin-Smith had accumulated large stores of BRBs, which he cunningly preserved by retaining the BRBs in an offshore account to avoid any big red taxation. He had cut off his only daughter and sole inheritor after she ran off with an Ithaca College student instead of preserving the family bloodline. However, in his final moments, having no other heir, Goldwin-Smith willed the entirety of his BRB fortune to penniless Henry Sackcloth!

Enlightened of his true station in life, Sackcloth immediately vowed to sample the various dining rooms and cafetoriums which he had thus far been denied. He cast off his old rags and clothed himself in the Cornell Store’s richest silks. From their butler aisle he pushed aside several Hotelies to select their most finely-dressed servant. Thus outfitted, Sackcloth and the newly acquired Reginald Stiff Upper Lip Cufflink sallied forth to feast.

The two first embarked upon Libe Slope, where Sackcloth began his banquet with a standard price roll of premade sushi (40 USD). When he additionally requested the finest steak they had, the employee did not hesitate to remove a piece of roast beef from a grab-and-go sandwich and throw it in the unwashed microwave. From there Sackcloth and Cufflink set off on a whirlwind of gastronomic exploration across campus. He did not even blink at spending what had once been a year’s worth of BRBs on a single Mac’s Spring Break smoothie with added protein. As he lay in the bed of his new gothic single drinking an entire vending machine’s worth of PepsiCo products, Sackcloth knew that he had found happiness at long last.

Unfortunately, Sackcloth’s luck once again took a turn for the worse as he contracted consumption from the Okenshield’s stir fry and was sent to the High Rise 6 Sanatorium to convalesce.

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