Stampeding OurBus Herd Crushes Unsuspecting Subaru
INTERSTATE 81—One of Earth’s most extraordinary natural phenomena coincides with fall break in upstate New…
Stampeding OurBus Herd Crushes Unsuspecting Subaru
INTERSTATE 81—One of Earth’s most extraordinary natural phenomena coincides with fall break in upstate New York. The Great OurBus Migration is a sight to behold, but it poses significant risks to the surrounding ecosystem. This weekend, herds consisting of dozens of buses will be seen charging along the ancient migration route. Generations have driven along…
Aww! Discussion Section Classmate Says First Words
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—During a government discussion section last week, one student, Courtney Howe ‘29, took a large step towards actualizing her humanity by saying her first words. The comment shook the classroom, which had become accustomed to Howe silently sitting in the furthest left corner of the room. “I agree,” she said, rocking in her…
Cornell Republicans Blame Radical Left for Shutdown of Morrison Dole Whip Machine
MORRISON DINING—After several tense days of negotiations and numerous attempts to sustain operations, the Morrison soft-serve dessert station has shut down. Talks between Cornell Dining and Dole Food Company collapsed early Monday morning, and the Dole Whip dispenser officially shut down at midnight. According to a Cornell Dining staff member, speaking on the condition of…
National Guard Numbers Dwindle as Troops Assimilated into Greater Portland Polycule
PORTLAND, OR—Hundreds of California National Guard troops were mobilized Sunday in an unlawful move by the Trump administration. Sent to quell nonviolent protests in nearby Portland, Oregon, members of the force quickly found themselves overwhelmed by the romantic advances of the city’s legions of polyamorous inhabitants. “We were warned about Antifa, but this is much,…
Flipped Classroom Professor Not Sure What’s Going On, Asks If You Have Any Idea
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Cornell University prides itself on its vigorous commitment to the art of teaching and falsifying RateMyProfessor reviews, a dedication no less visible than in its insistence to let Professor Henry Fiske teach PHYS 2215 as a flipped classroom. Some students aren’t pleased by the teaching model, and much less pleased with Fiske himself. “He…
Senior Still in Model UN Working Towards Killer Common App Resume
KLARMAN HALL—While his peers are preoccupied with looking for jobs, Simon Rice ‘26 is getting a head start on crafting the perfect Common App Resume. Although he’s now a senior in college, his role as president of the Model UN club is sure to wow any college admissions board. “If I keep working hard while…
Consulting Club Rejects Forced to Enjoy Youth Instead
NORTH CAMPUS—Last month, the latest round of consulting club hopefuls had their dreams crushed by curtly written rejection emails after weeks of coffee chats, interviews, and kissing ass. With the busy life of Cornell’s young financial consultants out of the picture, these rejects have been forced to enjoy their youth instead. Levi Gonzales ‘29, a…
Eric Adams Drops Out of NYC Mayoral Race, Excited to Pursue Corruption in Other Aspects of Public Service
GRACIE MANSION, NY—On Sunday, incumbent New York City mayor Eric Adams announced in a public video that he will be dropping out of the 2025 mayoral race. “To my dozens of supporters,” he said, “this is not the last you have seen of me. While I may not be your mayor for much longer, I…
Worst Guy You Know Looking For Manic Pixie Tylenol Users
CASCADILLA HALL—A White House announcement last Monday suggested that acetaminophen, commonly branded as Tylenol, is a leading cause of autism. The announcement sent shockwaves through the dating app community, members of whom are already adapting to the news. Local single Eric Pilgrim ‘28 immediately went on Hinge to announce that he “didn’t mind a little…
Wasian Student Association To Host Mixer
HO PLAZA—The newly established Wasian Student Association announced their first mixer last weekend via mediocre multicultural Canva graphic on their Instagram page. Students of both white and Asian heritage are invited to intermingle over their shared identity descending from the nation of Wasia while enjoying staples of Wasian delicacy—orange chicken, California rolls, and avocado milk…
