Ted Donato, head coach of the Harvard Men’s Ice Hockey team, has threatened to cut off funding to ECAC, thereby shutting the entire organization down, unless 11 additional historical wins against Cornell are added to Harvard’s record. Such a move would tip Harvard’s total wins over the past 104 years above Cornell’s. “We have tried,…
In what school officials are describing as “an unparalleled crisis,” Cornell University has run out of unique email addresses to assign to its students and faculty. “This is not something we were anticipating,” admitted university CIO Ted Dodds. “But we have all hands on deck working around the clock to find a feasible remedy.” Since…
ITHACA, NY — Cornell Junior James Pratchett, who will win a seat in the US Senate in 2037, capped off a night of drinking at a friend’s house by throwing up into his fishbowl and leaving before he could be confronted about it. On the way home, Pratchett — who will be remembered by his…
In an effort to secure a job after graduation, Carl Collins ’14 indicated “object permanence” as a “Special Skill” on his professional resume. The ability to understand that objects exist even when not being directly observed is believed to be acquired in almost all humans before the age of two, but Collins…
In the wake of last year’s scandal, audience members were shocked to find Ke$ha defecating on the bleachers of Barton Hall last evening. In holding the concert on a Sunday night, the Cornell Concert Commission sought to reduce hospital transports and minimize the risk of a repeat incident of the bleacher-shitting that occurred during last…
David Gonzales has high aspirations come June 2014. Gonzales, a senior in the school of Industrial & Labor Relations, is “very excited” to embark on the path to becoming an HR professional, an achievement he claims was 21 years in the making. The ILR school is most famously know for teaching its students to read…
Last Thursday, Biology Freshman Alyson Boyer took a photo of the arts quad from the Seventh Floor Stacks in Olin Library with her iPhone, then uploaded the picture to Instagram. The picture highlights the interweaving paths and overlooking architecture that makes the quad famous. Almost immediately, the photo began to garner hundreds and then thousands…
Members of Cornell’s Greek System are under University Investigation after reports have surfaced that freshmen were forced to play lacrosse in order to gain entry to a series of social events. The Fraternity System is barred from hosting all social events, mixers, and open parties for the remainder of the first semester, as if Cornell’s…
Between the new Gates Hall and the goal of Klarman Hall behind Goldwin Smith, University contractors have been busy with construction for the past few months. And after an ambitious announcement made this past Friday, they have a whole lot more to look forward to. University officials have drawn up a new plan for campus…
Seeking to fill a void in science requirements, the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences is now offering a class on plants. The class was created after several complaints concerning the difficulty of current science requirements. Classes like Bugs and Rocks were apparently “too difficult for most of the Communication and AEM majors taking them”…
