ITHACA, NY – After a close vote of 5-4, the Cornell Athletic Department adopted a resolution changing the University’s official mascot to “Wrigley’s Big Red,” a popular cinnamon-flavored chewing gum. “We thought it would make sense, you know,” said Cornell Athletic Department chairwoman Betty Stevenson, “I mean, why should the University have, like, a bear…
WESTCHESTER, NY- Freshman Eric Davis reportedly felt absolutely no responsibility to act more like an adult after coming home this weekend for first time since this summer. Davis, now 19, demonstrated a complete lack of personal growth and maturity since high school by assuming his mom would do his laundry, complaining about the contents of…
ITHACA- Thousands of Cornell students and faculty spend yesterday with their loved ones, in order to commemorate events involving a man who was on a boat a very long time ago. All courses were cancelled, and most students’ parents were allowed to take off from work as well. Administration spokesperson Patricia Stevens explained that, “The…
This week’s scandal comes in the wake of previous allegations that brothers of Pi Kappa Phi were falsifying their genders to participate in the charity event. Last year, professional cyclist Lance Armstrong was accused of posing as a brother to cycle for the fraternity. Pi Kappa Phi could not be reached for comment; however, Lance…
CUNooz: It’s great to sit down with you, Supreme Leader Skorton. What do you think the administration can do to help decrease student loan burdens? David Skorton (DS): What? (puts on glasses) Who-who are you? How did you get into my house?!? CUNooz: Ha! That’s what we like to hear. So those new nets have…
The Princeton review collegiate newspaper rankings recently redacted their placement of the Cornell Daily Sun as the number one collegiate news publication, instead replacing it with the critically acclaimed site ezrahub.com. Princeton review chairman William Tukling explained to CU Nooz, “We reviewed our numbers, and realized no one actually reads the Sun. Meanwhile, thousands of students…
Due to under-staffing, all campus libraries and study spaces (other than Carpenter Hall) are now closed. The campus library system is frequented by thousands of students every day. The libraries are mostly used for socializing, sleeping, eating, printing things, and occasionally completing course work. The decision to close library facilities was poorly received by the…
The administration has effectively closed the arts quad statues of Ezra Cornell and A.D. White, citing a lack of proper resources available to secure and maintain these historic monuments. Students are prohibited from looking at, sitting near and taking pictures of the statutes, and are discouraged from “enjoying them from a safe distance” according to…
Due to nonessential labor and upkeep costs, Cornell’s famous chimes have been removed from the clock tower. President Skorton refuses to let the campus go without music, however, telling CUNooz: “I asked my 16-year-old nephew Colin if he had anything to play music on. He said I could use his old ‘amp’, as he just…
In light of recent cutbacks on campus employees, beloved Oakenshields worker David “Happy Dave” Stravinsky has been asked to take a leave of absence and will be replaced by another, less enthusiastic employee. Happy Dave has worked as a greeter, card-swiper, and rodent exterminator for Okenshilds since 1973 when he graduated from Cornell University. Dave’s…
