Entire Nation Way Too High and Paranoid to Leave House Right Now

USA—Reports and online activity from across the country indicate that citizens are far too fucking zoinked to go outside at the moment.

“It’s just that the outside world is super scary right now,” said Brent Rant ‘22, who is currently fried inside his Bend, Oregon home. “For example, my neighbor could notice how totally stoned I am and tell my mom!”

In the social media sphere, the zooted community concurred with Rant’s nervous sentiment. “im so ripped i cant take my dog on a walk cuz the birds might watch us,” tweeted @chode04, expressing a common paralyzing fear of leaving home. “I really want to go buy some @ImpossibleFoods meat to make a vegan Harold & Kumar inspired @WhiteCastle burger, but I’m worried the apartment doormen will gossip abt my lizard eyes at the shift change,” agreed @Benguette1993 on twitter, who further confirmed that the “sweet smell of that refer” was “totally coming off [him] in waves.”

“Ok, I know I’m like, totally gone off that good skunk,” Ithaca resident Haley Aclete hazily theorized. “And yes, I know it’s kind of ridiculous, but can you imagine if I went outside and got lice? Gross! Like these tiny little imperceptible things that will make my head all itchy, and spread from head to head. Yikes, maybe I’m just pan-seared off that OG purp but what if I passed on the lice to the people I live with and love.” Aclete plans to stay indoors and enjoy her skunky ganj and pristine scalp.

Though the non-toking population has expressed similar anxieties about venturing outside their domiciles, experts continue to recommend that they self-medicate by “staying at home, putting on some Fleetwood Mac, and lighting up a doobie.”


Martha Pollack Slides Into Back Seat at Administration Meeting After Eating Fat Edible

DAY HALL—Cornell University President Martha Pollack sneakily slipped into the back row of April 20th’s Administration meeting after ingesting a 70mg pot brownie, hoping no one would realize she was baked out of her mind.

“Shit shit shit shit shit,” Pollack said discretely, aware that someone would probably call on her to answer a question at some point during the meeting.

Throughout the meeting, Pollack was noticeably disturbed, repeatedly muttering to herself and rubbing her eyes. At one point, a fellow administrator asked Pollack if she was “doing okay,” to which Pollack responded, “Ah, sorry, I didn’t do the reading.”

“Martha turned to me and asked, ‘Why is everyone staring at me?’,” said VP Ryan Lombardi, who told her, “because you just moved to vote on ordering Dominos.”

When the meeting finally adjourned, Pollack audibly whispered “Thank fuck,” and ubered home to watch Planet Earth.

Op-Ed: Dude…Look at My Hands

This April 20th, people everywhere are discussing the future of marijuana legalization. I myself am a firm supporter of the cause and I raise my fist in defiance of…uh…of…hey man, have you seen my hands? Like, oh my god, dude. Look at my hands. Look at my fucking hands. They’re so, like, complex.

Shit, where was I? Oh, right, aside from the many positive medical effects, marijuana’s psychological eff… have my hands always had this much skin? Oh, dude. I can’t even comprehend… just… And there’s muscles and bones inside. And like… I can move them, and pick stuff up with them. They’re so powerful and stuff, you know? Like, check it. That Cheeto is on the floor, right? Boom. Now it’s in my hand. That’s like…


What was I talking about? Was I talking about something? Dude, do you see my hand though? Like…I’m really seeing my hand. Oh my god. I can see myself, in myself. It’s like a mirror…but…it’s also a hand. Jesus Christ, this is awesome.

Hold up. Drop everything. Huge news. Look at my foot.