USA—Reports and online activity from across the country indicate that citizens are far too fucking zoinked to go outside at the moment.
“It’s just that the outside world is super scary right now,” said Brent Rant ‘22, who is currently fried inside his Bend, Oregon home. “For example, my neighbor could notice how totally stoned I am and tell my mom!”
In the social media sphere, the zooted community concurred with Rant’s nervous sentiment. “im so ripped i cant take my dog on a walk cuz the birds might watch us,” tweeted @chode04, expressing a common paralyzing fear of leaving home. “I really want to go buy some @ImpossibleFoods meat to make a vegan Harold & Kumar inspired @WhiteCastle burger, but I’m worried the apartment doormen will gossip abt my lizard eyes at the shift change,” agreed @Benguette1993 on twitter, who further confirmed that the “sweet smell of that refer” was “totally coming off [him] in waves.”
“Ok, I know I’m like, totally gone off that good skunk,” Ithaca resident Haley Aclete hazily theorized. “And yes, I know it’s kind of ridiculous, but can you imagine if I went outside and got lice? Gross! Like these tiny little imperceptible things that will make my head all itchy, and spread from head to head. Yikes, maybe I’m just pan-seared off that OG purp but what if I passed on the lice to the people I live with and love.” Aclete plans to stay indoors and enjoy her skunky ganj and pristine scalp.
Though the non-toking population has expressed similar anxieties about venturing outside their domiciles, experts continue to recommend that they self-medicate by “staying at home, putting on some Fleetwood Mac, and lighting up a doobie.”