Student Ends Up in the Loser Breakout Room Again

PRINCETON, NJ—Midway through her ECON 1110 lecture, Samantha Keys ‘22 once again found herself in a breakout room filled with the biggest weirdos the class had to offer. 

“I’m not trying to be a bitch, but these people are serious buzzkills,” Keys complained. “Like, one of them spent the entire time sucking on a Slim Jim. That’s not a normal snack food, right?” 

Other occupants of Breakout Room 5 exhibited various antisocial behaviors ranging from forgetting to mute themselves before arguing with their stepdad to making up embarrassing nicknames for everyone, unprompted. “He called me ‘Slammin’ Sam,’” said Keys, “and this other kid ‘Baldin’ Bill,’ which seemed kind of insensitive considering Bill shaved his head in solidarity with his sister battling leukemia.” 

Keys expressed special discomfort with a junior who spent the majority of the 15 minute breakout cutting his toenails; last week, the same kid set his virtual background to Keys’ student ID photo.

Keys plans to reach out to her professor, who she believes is deliberately punishing her. “It can’t be a coincidence that out of all of the cool people I see in the zoom lecture hall, I keep getting paired with the total fucking wackos.”

At press time, Keys was sent to a breakout room with her ex-boyfriend, “the biggest loser of them all.”

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