April 27, 2024
Headlines

Technology

Neil Young Spotify Removal Devastates Population of Male Philosophy Students Who Can’t Get It Up Without a Whispery Old Man Voice on Their Sex Playlists

Nooz Staff03 mins

ITHACA CAMPUS—In an event tantamount to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, Spotify’s sudden removal of Neil Young’s discography has annihilated the sex playlists of men across the philosophy department. “Without Neil Young, I might as well give up sex,” complained Dorian Lancaster ‘23 between drags of his cigarette. “Sure, women are great, but…

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Student’s Fifteen Spotify Wrapped Screenshots Reveal Favorite Artists as well as Massive God Complex

Nooz Staff03 mins

COLLEGETOWN—As time continues to pass following Spotify’s December 2 release of its individualized 2020 Wrapped feature, many continue to take to social media with their top songs and artists. Among them is self-proclaimed champion of music, Jared Wilson ‘22, who opted to add a whopping fifteen “Year in Review” screenshots to his Instagram story.  “Yeah,…

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“I’m Just Going to Close My Eyes For A Bit,” Says 81-Year-Old Professor About to Die in Front of Entire 8 AM Lecture

Nooz Staff02 mins

ITHACA—Shortly after telling students of his MAE 2020 course, “I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit,” Professor Robert Wiggins quickly passed away Friday morning, abruptly ending the 8 AM lecture.  “It’s such a shame that it happened, and I’m sure dying on camera for hundreds to see is pretty tragic,” claimed Alicia…

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Disturbingly Vast Collection of African Fertility Idols on Mantel Sure Taking Away from Professor’s Accounting Lecture

Nooz Staff02 mins

ITHACA—A thrice-weekly glimpse into the home of Assistant Professor Peter Covington has proven to be a major distraction for students of his HADM 2210 Managerial Accounting course, who have taken note of the professor’s extensive collection of African fertility idols displayed across his living room.  “He has mentioned before that he is single and lives…

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“Moving to Zoom Will Be Hard, But We’re Prepared For It” Says IFC About New Party Format

Nooz Staff02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In reaction to the upcoming closure of Cornell’s campus for undergraduates, the Interfraternity Council has released a statement saying that “although there will be disruptions as we make this transition,” they expect to “learn to adjust” as fraternities begin to hold all parties over Zoom. “Obviously, we wish all attendees could squeeze into…

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CS Major Annoyed She Left Women’s Day Conference with No Swag, Just Renewed Sense of Purpose

Nooz Staff04 mins

This article was sponsored by the Smart is Strong Foundation and their International Women’s Day Conference, featuring a powerful and passionate speaker series of women inspiring change in their communities. The theme this year, #BeTheChangeSiS, is built upon igniting positive change by raising awareness of important issues and offering next steps to address them. The…

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