Neil Young Spotify Removal Devastates Population of Male Philosophy Students Who Can’t Get It Up Without a Whispery Old Man Voice on Their Sex Playlists

ITHACA CAMPUS—In an event tantamount to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, Spotify’s sudden removal of Neil Young’s discography has annihilated the sex playlists of men across the philosophy department.

“Without Neil Young, I might as well give up sex,” complained Dorian Lancaster ‘23 between drags of his cigarette. “Sure, women are great, but nothing will ever give me the sexual supercharge of hearing his simultaneously raspy and wet voice, like a naked man belly crawling through damp grass or an old woman sucking sand through a straw. I tried listening to recordings of my grandpa on his deathbed, but he kept talking about shit like being ‘proud of me’ instead of incisive commentary on American consumerism. What a waste.”

With no end to the Spotify stalemate in sight, the students have been forced to find other ways to announce to the world that they have deeply boring daddy issues, such as wearing band t-shirts, not shampooing their shoulder-length hair, and insisting that vinyl sounds “so much warmer.”

“Without basing my personality entirely around the sense of superiority that comes from getting a rock hard boner from a vocal style best described as ‘clammy,’ I don’t know what to do with myself,” complained Lancaster. “My dad and I had a conversation that wasn’t about music for the first time in years, and it turns out we have nothing in common! If I can’t offload my feelings onto a vaguely sad four-chord guitar song right now, I might have to genuinely process my emotions about this.”

In response to suggestions that they purchase Neil Young’s discography, thus monetarily supporting the artist for the first time in their lives, the philosophy majors were seen begrudgingly adding “Blowin’ in the Wind” to their playlists instead.

Student’s Fifteen Spotify Wrapped Screenshots Reveal Favorite Artists as well as Massive God Complex

COLLEGETOWN—As time continues to pass following Spotify’s December 2 release of its individualized 2020 Wrapped feature, many continue to take to social media with their top songs and artists. Among them is self-proclaimed champion of music, Jared Wilson ‘22, who opted to add a whopping fifteen “Year in Review” screenshots to his Instagram story. 

“Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on with him,” said Wilson’s roommate Zain Nagpal ‘21. “He keeps asking me if I’ve heard of Tame Impala and won’t stop offering to lend me his own personal, “thrifted” CD. I might’ve taken it too, but he said he needed it for the next few weeks in case anyone swiped up to ask where he found such obscure bands.”

For Wilson, the first week of December is the  most wonderful time of the year. It’s a time when he can spend hours on end hunkered over his phone psychoanalyzing every single Spotify Wrapped that comes up on his feed, rendering his divine judgment unto any and all reprobates with Pop as their #1 Genre.

“I’ve been contemplating switching my major from AEM to Music, since I already know so much about the music scene,” said Wilson, after skimming half of a Rolling Stone article, “I don’t know if you’ve heard of this, but like, artists, don’t actually make that much off of streaming services.”

At press time, Wilson was seen frothing at the mouth while asking the cashier at CTB if he could “just have the aux for a minute” and linking his “On Repeat” playlist to his Instagram and Twitter bios.

Student Terminates Human Development Course at 12 Weeks

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALLWith the “Drop” period coming to a close this Wednesday, sophomore Human Development major Sasha Wither ’23 exercised her legal right to choose by dropping a class from her schedule 12 weeks into the semester.

“I am so thankful I live in a country where I can decide for myself to abort an unwanted decision,” said Withers, speaking of her recently-dropped class HD 1111: Adolescent Behaviors. “If I was forced to carry that class to term, it would have seriously impacted my physical and emotional health.”

At the start of the semester, Wither added the class after a drunken night with her then-boyfriend, although he pressured her to avoid the heavy load. After 12 weeks, Wither’s coursework only kept growing, and she began to have serious regrets about the viability of seeing the class to completion. 

“I just realized at 19 that this is not what I wanted for my life,” added Withers, “I would’ve neglected that class if I kept in on my schedule. Not to mention, my boyfriend wouldn’t have helped me with the work, even though he is partly responsible.”

As for the future, Withers noted confidently that she would not feel ashamed if she had to do the process again. “I mean, the class doesn’t mind! It doesn’t even feel pain. It’s just a few pixels on Student Center.”

Student Surprised to Find that Nintendo DS Isn’t as Fun as She Remembers

RYE, NY—Bored and nostalgic junior Nancy Alcott ‘21 recently excavated her room to find her old Nintendo DS rolled up inside a Justin Timberlake poster, only to be disappointed in the nonexistent taste of her six year old self. 

“I had so much fun playing with it on long car rides and plane trips, but now all I have are questions,” said Alcott after playing Animal Crossings: Wild World (c. 2005). “How did I even find this fun? These villagers are so needy. Why don’t they weed their own goddamn lawns and water their own goddamn flowers?”

Enraged, Alcott vowed that her childhood wasn’t a lie, and tried to insert her Nintendogs cartridge, only needing to blow on the game and the slot a mere seven times for it to slightly work.

“After having one aspect of my childhood crushed by the perils of adult life, and living with my insufferable parents for the last two months, I knew the only thing that could cheer me up was my virtual beagle puppy, Sparkles. But when I logged on it said he ran away,” lamented Alcott. “I can’t even… this device is horrible. And for God’s sake, what are these crusty orange stains on the buttons?”

As of press time, Alcott had traded her Nintendo DS on Facebook Marketplace for a variety pack of White Claws and had re-downloaded TikTok.

“I’m Just Going to Close My Eyes For A Bit,” Says 81-Year-Old Professor About to Die in Front of Entire 8 AM Lecture

ITHACA—Shortly after telling students of his MAE 2020 course, “I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit,” Professor Robert Wiggins quickly passed away Friday morning, abruptly ending the 8 AM lecture. 

“It’s such a shame that it happened, and I’m sure dying on camera for hundreds to see is pretty tragic,” claimed Alicia Liu ‘22, “but what’s worse is that I’m on the west coast, so I didn’t even get to watch it live.”

While some students expressed shock and disappointment at Professor Wiggins’ ill-timed, live-streamed death, others seemed to have expected this event for an unsettling amount of time. 

“I’m not the least bit surprised, just look at the guy. Every class he wore the same threadbare khakis, dress shirt, and suspenders, all probably purchased in the 1930s,” said Kevin Rucker ‘22. “He’d eat applesauce for breakfast because it was ‘easy on his dentures’ and always asked my female classmates if they were in the wrong room. It was only a matter of time before that man dropped dead.”

As of press time, the head TA was seen uploading Professor Wiggins’ death clip to the course’s Canvas site for students in other timezones to review ahead of a prelim next Tuesday.

Student Ends Up in the Loser Breakout Room Again

PRINCETON, NJ—Midway through her ECON 1110 lecture, Samantha Keys ‘22 once again found herself in a breakout room filled with the biggest weirdos the class had to offer. 

“I’m not trying to be a bitch, but these people are serious buzzkills,” Keys complained. “Like, one of them spent the entire time sucking on a Slim Jim. That’s not a normal snack food, right?” 

Other occupants of Breakout Room 5 exhibited various antisocial behaviors ranging from forgetting to mute themselves before arguing with their stepdad to making up embarrassing nicknames for everyone, unprompted. “He called me ‘Slammin’ Sam,’” said Keys, “and this other kid ‘Baldin’ Bill,’ which seemed kind of insensitive considering Bill shaved his head in solidarity with his sister battling leukemia.” 

Keys expressed special discomfort with a junior who spent the majority of the 15 minute breakout cutting his toenails; last week, the same kid set his virtual background to Keys’ student ID photo.

Keys plans to reach out to her professor, who she believes is deliberately punishing her. “It can’t be a coincidence that out of all of the cool people I see in the zoom lecture hall, I keep getting paired with the total fucking wackos.”

At press time, Keys was sent to a breakout room with her ex-boyfriend, “the biggest loser of them all.”

Disturbingly Vast Collection of African Fertility Idols on Mantel Sure Taking Away from Professor’s Accounting Lecture

ITHACA—A thrice-weekly glimpse into the home of Assistant Professor Peter Covington has proven to be a major distraction for students of his HADM 2210 Managerial Accounting course, who have taken note of the professor’s extensive collection of African fertility idols displayed across his living room. 

“He has mentioned before that he is single and lives alone, so this is clearly his own doing,” said Claire Baugher ‘22, “I get having hobbies or collectibles or whatever, but I count at least 12 of those things. My gut reaction is that he should go to prison. Like, what is he plotting?”

Covington joined the School of Hotel Administration faculty in 2018. He earned his bachelor’s, master’s, and doctorate degree all in accounting. His faculty website lists his personal interests as “Kayaking, home improvement, and trading stocks.” Absent is any mention of academic study or personal interest which might rationalize the collection of hand-carved wooden and stone fertility dolls, traditionally given to tribal women trying to become pregnant.

“Some of them are blocking the TV, what kind of life does this man live?” asked James Crampton ’22 in the Zoom chat to classmates during Friday’s 50-minute lecture on activity-based costing. 

Apparently failing to exclude Covington from the Zoom message, the Professor reportedly replied “it’s rude to stare,” diminishing hopes of getting to the bottom of this anytime soon.

“Moving to Zoom Will Be Hard, But We’re Prepared For It” Says IFC About New Party Format

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In reaction to the upcoming closure of Cornell’s campus for undergraduates, the Interfraternity Council has released a statement saying that “although there will be disruptions as we make this transition,” they expect to “learn to adjust” as fraternities begin to hold all parties over Zoom.

“Obviously, we wish all attendees could squeeze into a sticky basement together rather than sitting alone in front of computer monitors all over the globe,” the statement said. “But we trust the spirit of our opens and mixers alike will be captured by the online video conferencing software.”

The statement also noted that several services are being considered to add to the experience, such as recorded parties for those in different timezones and Canvas discussion threads so partygoers can hold individual conversations.

“Fully moving parties to Zoom won’t be easy, but know that no matter what, we won’t compromise on the world-class social experience we all came to Cornell for,” the statement concluded.

Immediately after the statement was sent out, the Cornell administration banned fraternities from holding parties over Zoom.

CS Major Annoyed She Left Women’s Day Conference with No Swag, Just Renewed Sense of Purpose

This article was sponsored by the Smart is Strong Foundation and their International Women’s Day Conference, featuring a powerful and passionate speaker series of women inspiring change in their communities. The theme this year, #BeTheChangeSiS, is built upon igniting positive change by raising awareness of important issues and offering next steps to address them. The event is this Sunday, March 8, from 2-4pm in Klarman KG70—there will be free food! More details available here. 

KLARMAN HALL—Following a day of empowering female speakers and joyful celebration of women in STEM, Christina Jefferson ’22 emerged more confident in her ability to overcome systemic hurdles but frustratingly empty-handed with respect to pens, notebooks, and stickers.

“I really expected that they would be giving out some dope swag, like a fidget spinner or novelty stress toy. Even a phone wallet pocket with the Venus symbol on it would have made the rousing, passionate speakers better,” Jefferson bemoaned.  The programming, which deeply and personally moved Jefferson to work towards lofty goals in the male-dominated tech industry, nevertheless failed to provide any sort of disposable tchotchkes for students to clutter their desks with.

“I got really excited when the keynote speaker, Elena Gupta ‘19, said she was going to leave us with something. I thought for sure it was about to be an Oprah ‘check-under-your-seats’ situation. But then it was just ‘a few parting words’ about the power we as women wield to affect change. I can’t stuff my Cornell ID inside words.”

“Majoring in a STEM field really erodes my confidence, and I worry that I’m not as qualified or talented as my male peers. It would have made me feel so good to get some great knick-knacks that the boys don’t have, but I suppose this life-changing motivation will have to do. I do know what I’m talking about, and my contributions matter!” Given all of this, Jefferson rated the conference as “solid,” despite the lack of free keychains and lanyards.

Jefferson suggested that the “Smart is Strong” organizers could learn a lot from tables at the career fair. “Sure, a recruiter asked me if I was just in the Engineering school to get my ‘M-R-S’ degree, but at least I got a bobblehead of the company’s CEO, who is currently in litigation over three distinct allegations of sexual harassment.”

Lone Homework-Related Tab Sad Reminder of Productive Time Long Past

OLIN LIBRARY—As Sarah Liang ’22 watched the tenth consecutive Instagram story from an acquaintance she hadn’t talked to since high school, she noticed the one tab at the far left of her browser related to her homework, bringing back memories of the work she set out to do two hours before.

Seeing the tab, which contained two problem set solutions and was directly adjacent to six tabs of /r/amitheasshole posts, made Liang briefly consider resuming her work as she closed and instinctively reopened Instagram.

“Just five more minutes then I’ll get back to work,” she thought to herself, knowing full well that she’d waste at least an hour before noticing the tab again.

As of press time, Liang had reopened the tab, wrote one and a half sentences, and then pulled up a Bon Appétit video where they make gourmet Butterfingers.