Students Cramming for Upcoming ‘House of Cards’ Prelim

MANN LIBRARY- Students across campus have been hard at work preparing for the upcoming prelim in GOVT 4330: Intro to ‘House of Cards,’ oftentimes spending many consecutive hours watching the most recent season of the Netflix original drama.

“I’ve been so busy this week with all my classes. I had to watch six episodes of ‘House of Cards’ yesterday and barely got any sleep,” detailed senior Juliana Torres, who remarked that she was frustrated that the exam would cover material released just over a week ago.

“And it just stresses me out more when I’m in the library and I see everyone else watching the show and I know I should be watching too.”

At press time, Torres had taken a break from her ‘House of Cards’ studying to work on her project for INFO 2350: Browsing Facebook.

Freshman Upset with NetID ‘kkk666’

DONLON – Kyle Kirkland (Engineering ‘16) has decided to air his grievances with the University after he was assigned the NetID “kkk666.”

Kirkland explained, “My middle name is Kevin because my parents like alliteration. I’m not a racist. Also, I don’t worship Satan. Honestly, I’m not really sure what having the ID ‘kkk666’ makes me seem like I support, but it can’t be good.”

“We don’t tend to change NetID’s after they’re in our system,” explained one University official. “Besides, there’s a kid with the NetID ‘std69’ and another with ‘pms420,’ and you don’t hear them complaining.”

Cornell IT has since confirmed that the NetID will remain unchanged. However one member of the department’s NetID design team has announced his resignation.

Cornell Computer Scientist Now More Computer Than Scientist

GATES HALL- In an interview with CU Nooz yesterday, Cornell computer scientist James Fairfield announced that, following his last fibro-neural microchip implant, he is now more computer than scientist.

“Body analysis program is complete. Percentage of body that is scientist: 34.1. Percentage of body that is computer: 65.9,” said Fairfield through his vocal transcoder. “Body analysis program shutting down.”

Fairfield continued to say that a systematic cranial processor controls his auditory and visual senses, a sub-dermal spinal configurator controls his motor functions, and a 2004 Gateway desktop powers his cognitive processes. “My vision operates in binary code. Due to this function, my remaining organs process information 4.6 times faster than before surgical implantation,” Fairfield stated in a mechanical tone.

Fairfield is a researcher in the College of Agriculture and Life Science’s communications department.

With Retirement of RedRover Secure, Cornell IT Encourages Campus to Switch to EduFoam

ITHACA- Over the course of the summer, Cornell Information Technologies has sent out a series of emails explaining the retirement of the campus Wi-Fi network RedRover Secure and encouraging users to switch to EduFoam, a liquid-foam spray that provides connection to the internet when applied directly to a laptop, tablet, or mobile device.

“We think EduFoam is the future of wireless internet on campus. EduFoam is secure, keeping all of the user’s information private, and it can be used to connect at other EduFoam schools,” detailed Ted Dodds, Cornell CIO and Vice President of Information Technologies.

“Plus, weak signals can be alleviated by simply applying more foam.”

Dodds did stress, however, that users must use absolute caution when using EduFoam, making sure that they do not get EduFoam on their skin or in their eyes and that they wear proper protective gear, including goggles, when browsing the web.


Cornell IT Department Thinks You Have Terrible Taste in Pornography

Citing your apparent interest in films with poorly written scripts and subpar performers, Cornell department issued a press release today calling your taste in pornography “simply atrocious.”

“It is almost painful for us to look through [your] web history everyday and see that [you] just watch the first three films that pop up on Pornhub’s homepage,” the statement says. “How can [you] possibly ignore the dreadful cinematography quality?”

The press release goes on to mention your seeming ignorance of directors who are pushing the boundaries of the genre, your disregard for emerging performers, and your complete lack of interest in films made from 1970-1975, the “Golden Age of Pornography.”

“[Do you] even want to find well made features?” the statement asks. “Or is this all part of some plan to remain uncultured indefinitely?”

“It’s a sign of the times, when we monitored students internet use in the mid 2000’s, most were actively engaged in finding high quality work,” sighed Cornell CIO Tedd Dodds while browsing your private Facebook messages. “Now you’d be lucky to find one enlightened student on the entire campus. This is the beginning of the end for the genre.”

At press time, CIT added expressed frustration that your email and online banking passwords were “insecure” and “totally obvious.”