UPSON HALL—While perusing course evaluation forms and hotboxing his on-campus office, mechanical engineering professor Travis Valensi began to wonder about the feasibility of some kind of equivalent student evaluation form.
“It’s, uh, it’s kinda unfair that students can say whatever they think about professors, but professors don’t get that opportunity as well, you know?” said Professor Valensi, seeming to forget that the point system and grades more generally are designed specifically for this purpose. “What if I made a form that went the other way? It would be, like, okay, let’s say this student didn’t show up to a lot of lectures, right? Shouldn’t I be able to say that’s a problem? Or what if it seemed like they didn’t know the material that well? I don’t know, am I crazy here? This is such a good idea, I think.”
Despite receiving a PhD from the California Institute of Technology and having contributed to significant advancements in robotics technology over his career, Dr. Valensi was steadfastly convinced that this conceptual framework was his life’s finest achievement.
“What if—now bear with me here—you could attach a number to a student’s performance on an assignment, and then one for the whole semester? Wouldn’t that be fuckin’ far out?” wondered a visibly excited Valensi between hits. “This is so good. Are you hearing this? This is so good! I feel like I gotta make this and just, like, tell everybody! Okay, here’s what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna make a model for this, like a blueprint or an outline or something, and then I’m gonna go show it to my girl Martha, and she’s gonna be all over it. Yeah, just as soon as I’m not stuck to this chair anymore that’s what I’m gonna do. Say, are you hungry? Wanna go get some taquitos? Let’s go get some taquitos once I’m not stuck to the chair anymore.”
At press time, Professor Valensi remained stuck to the chair while cackling about the inherent hilarity of the word “taquitos.”
ITHACA, NY—Following New York’s legalization of recreational cannabis, a university president of a certain Ithaca-based college has taken it upon herself to provide guidance and clarity for students. Not long after the ink dried on Governor Cuomo’s signing pen, Ithaca College President Shirley M. Collado sent an all-faculty and student email letting them know that they “should all be lighting up some celebratory doobies rn.”
“Turn on some Dre and light up the chronic IC. The cops can’t do shit man. I just ripped an enormous bowl right in front of IPD Headquarters. All they could do was look at me disapprovingly. Fuck yeah, people, this is fucking huge!” wrote Collado in her statement.
Not every member of local academia shares Collado’s complete enthusiasm. Orinthia T. Montague, president of TC3, is not yet sure whether she would recommend marijuana to her students.
“I am overjoyed at the important social justice ramifications of this decision,” said Montague. “I tried weed back in the 90s and it just wasn’t for me. Though I wouldn’t go so far as to recommend pot to my students, the fact that [President Collado] is vouching for the stuff eases my mind a bit.
At press time, Cornell University President Martha Pollack, the only non-BIPOC university president in Ithaca, was spotted googling the DEA phone number because she saw some kids who looked high down by Stewart Park.
USA—Reports and online activity from across the country indicate that citizens are far too fucking zoinked to go outside at the moment.
“It’s just that the outside world is super scary right now,” said Brent Rant ‘22, who is currently fried inside his Bend, Oregon home. “For example, my neighbor could notice how totally stoned I am and tell my mom!”
In the social media sphere, the zooted community concurred with Rant’s nervous sentiment. “im so ripped i cant take my dog on a walk cuz the birds might watch us,” tweeted @chode04, expressing a common paralyzing fear of leaving home. “I really want to go buy some @ImpossibleFoods meat to make a vegan Harold & Kumar inspired @WhiteCastle burger, but I’m worried the apartment doormen will gossip abt my lizard eyes at the shift change,” agreed @Benguette1993 on twitter, who further confirmed that the “sweet smell of that refer” was “totally coming off [him] in waves.”
“Ok, I know I’m like, totally gone off that good skunk,” Ithaca resident Haley Aclete hazily theorized. “And yes, I know it’s kind of ridiculous, but can you imagine if I went outside and got lice? Gross! Like these tiny little imperceptible things that will make my head all itchy, and spread from head to head. Yikes, maybe I’m just pan-seared off that OG purp but what if I passed on the lice to the people I live with and love.” Aclete plans to stay indoors and enjoy her skunky ganj and pristine scalp.
Though the non-toking population has expressed similar anxieties about venturing outside their domiciles, experts continue to recommend that they self-medicate by “staying at home, putting on some Fleetwood Mac, and lighting up a doobie.”
RILEY-ROBB HALL—Students of PLSCI 4190, “Cannabis: Biology, Society, and Industry” are totally bummed out that their absolute buzzkill of a professor won’t let them get even a teeny bit high during class.
Trinity Earthsong ‘20 is particularly upset that her professor is being a “total stick in the mud” about pot. “I took his course for two reasons: I wanted to take a science class that wasn’t hijacked by the culture corruption of our mainstream industrialist institutionalism, and I thought I could get completely ripped in class,” said Earthsong. The embattled classics major is fighting back. She has already planned a hunger strike in order to soften her professor’s stance on getting high in class. “We aren’t going to eat until we can satiate our munchies at an on-campus eatery within minutes of leaving class.”
Professor Christopher Smith, who teaches PLSCI 4190, will not budge amidst allegations from his students of being an “out of touch fogey blindly fighting in the failed war on drugs.”
“I don’t understand what their complaint is,” Smith said, clearly exasperated. “Literally nowhere on my syllabus does it say ‘feel free to get stoned while I’m teaching you.’ People keep coming into the lecture hall super early and writing ‘NARC’ on the chalkboard just so I have to erase it.” Smith has also found it incredibly difficult to actually get through a lecture recently, as students have taken to chanting “Drug Thug” for the duration of the 75 minute class.
At press time, it appeared Smith had bridged the gap with his students, coming up with a wildly misguided and poorly designed joint business venture during a late night study session in the back of his 1974 Volkswagen van.
DAY HALL—Cornell University President Martha Pollack sneakily slipped into the back row of April 20th’s Administration meeting after ingesting a 70mg pot brownie, hoping no one would realize she was baked out of her mind.
“Shit shit shit shit shit,” Pollack said discretely, aware that someone would probably call on her to answer a question at some point during the meeting.
Throughout the meeting, Pollack was noticeably disturbed, repeatedly muttering to herself and rubbing her eyes. At one point, a fellow administrator asked Pollack if she was “doing okay,” to which Pollack responded, “Ah, sorry, I didn’t do the reading.”
“Martha turned to me and asked, ‘Why is everyone staring at me?’,” said VP Ryan Lombardi, who told her, “because you just moved to vote on ordering Dominos.”
When the meeting finally adjourned, Pollack audibly whispered “Thank fuck,” and ubered home to watch Planet Earth.
This April 20th, people everywhere are discussing the future of marijuana legalization. I myself am a firm supporter of the cause and I raise my fist in defiance of…uh…of…hey man, have you seen my hands? Like, oh my god, dude. Look at my hands. Look at my fucking hands. They’re so, like, complex.
Shit, where was I? Oh, right, aside from the many positive medical effects, marijuana’s psychological eff… have my hands always had this much skin? Oh, dude. I can’t even comprehend… just… And there’s muscles and bones inside. And like… I can move them, and pick stuff up with them. They’re so powerful and stuff, you know? Like, check it. That Cheeto is on the floor, right? Boom. Now it’s in my hand. That’s like…
What was I talking about? Was I talking about something? Dude, do you see my hand though? Like…I’m really seeing my hand. Oh my god. I can see myself, in myself. It’s like a mirror…but…it’s also a hand. Jesus Christ, this is awesome.
Hold up. Drop everything. Huge news. Look at my foot.