Ithaca City Officials Hoping Next Weekend’s Onionfest as Successful as Applefest

ITHACA COMMONS—Following this weekend’s tremendously successful Applefest, city officials are looking forward to similar turnout for next weekend’s onion-themed festivities.

Concessions will include “onion cider, onion mac and cheese, onion sauce, onion donuts, and sweet, sweet onion pies!” according to Brandon Wiseman, chairperson of the New York State Onion Association. The association stepped up to assist with the event after the previous city proposal of “Turnipfest: Give a Hoot for your Root! vegetables” tested poorly with focus groups.

Onionfest has raised some concerns, but Ithaca local Breanna Dhuir got a chance to get a pre-opening look and was pleasantly surprised. “I had my doubts at first,” the Ithaca High School gym teacher said, “but once I got over the smell of concentrated onion-breath and constantly tearing up from all of the onions being chopped around me, I had a fun time!”

If this weekend goes well, city officials will give the green light for Rutabagafest in November.

Apple Fest To Offer Apple-Scented Candles for Sad Fasting Jews

THE COMMONS—To accommodate those observing Yom Kippur this Saturday, Ithaca’s 35th Apple Fest will offer apple-scented candles for sad fasting Jews.

“We’re happy to satisfy all religious needs,” said community organizer Lori White with a welcoming smile. “There’s nothing like smelling the essence of what everyone else is blissfully eating to make you atone for your wrongs.”

The food and drink celebration downtown will include soft donuts, hot cider, and sweet crisp apples, all of which famished Jewish students can look at while sniffing their complimentary blocks of wax.

“Maybe if I sneak in a tiny lick, I’ll be able to taste the festive smell,” mumbled a dejected Sharon Goldstein ’20 as she imagined sampling the Yankee Candle featured in her dental office’s bathroom.

Sources confirmed that once vendors run out of candles, they will distribute apple-flavored Scratch-N-Sniffs to make Jewish attendees really work for their deprivation.

Serpent Giving Out Free Apples During Ithaca Applefest

ITHACA COMMONS — During this year’s local celebration of the fall harvest, a talking snake was spotted distributing his own share of free apples, tail-picked straight from the Tree of Knowledge.

“Here, try one of these. They’re locally grown, just from the Garden of Eden, up in Lansing” said the Prince of Darkness in his earthly camouflage, bent on shrouding the world in fire and brimstone. “This one’s covered in caramel and nuts.”

When asked for a comment, the Lord of the Flies hissed, “Apples are great for mortals of all ages. They’re full of vitamin C, fiber, and an acute sense of carnal knowledge.”

The Accuser added, “These aren’t your ordinary apples. When you first bite into them, you’ll get a hit of immense shame and guilt for bringing Death and Sin upon Paradise, but then there’s a sweet, unmistakably tart aftertaste.”

Samplers of the Fallen Angel’s produce left the festival satisfied with a full stomach and immense relief that they were already wearing garments that covered their nether regions.