September 29, 2017

Apple Fest To Offer Apple-Scented Candles for Sad Fasting Jews

THE COMMONS—To accommodate those observing Yom Kippur this Saturday, Ithaca’s 35th Apple Fest will offer apple-scented candles for sad fasting Jews.

“We’re happy to satisfy all religious needs,” said community organizer Lori White with a welcoming smile. “There’s nothing like smelling the essence of what everyone else is blissfully eating to make you atone for your wrongs.”

The food and drink celebration downtown will include soft donuts, hot cider, and sweet crisp apples, all of which famished Jewish students can look at while sniffing their complimentary blocks of wax.

“Maybe if I sneak in a tiny lick, I’ll be able to taste the festive smell,” mumbled a dejected Sharon Goldstein ’20 as she imagined sampling the Yankee Candle featured in her dental office’s bathroom.

Sources confirmed that once vendors run out of candles, they will distribute apple-flavored Scratch-N-Sniffs to make Jewish attendees really work for their deprivation.

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