CASCADILLA HALL– Last week, Cornell University Police received word of two reported burglaries from residents of Cornell’s nicest dorm, Cascadilla Hall. Interestingly, both students found that most of their valuables were left untouched, the burglar stealing nothing but a Nintendo Switch console from each room. It’s an intriguing phenomenon since your average burglar would probably go for money, valuable electronics, or expensive clothes. But this burglar, well, she’s just a little bit different.
In an interview, the Cascadilla burglar— who we will refer to as “Martha Pollack” to maintain anonymity— opened up about her lifelong struggle to relate to other members of the shifty community. “I just don’t fit in with the other robbers, thieves, looters, and common scoundrels,” lamented Pollack. “They’re all in it for the money, the glory, the thrill of the steal. I’m really not like that. I’m just in it to bag a few Nintendo switches to bring back to my room that’s covered wall-to-wall in vintage Nirvana posters.”
To prepare for the robberies, our offbeat rascal reportedly threw on her typical burgling uniform: hair in a messy bun, a comfy thrifted hoodie, beat-up high-top black converse, and a wool ski mask to cover all identifiable facial features. Upon completing the burglaries successfully, she allegedly celebrated by cracking open a few cold beers and crushing some League of Legends with her no-drama group of guy friends.
CUPD Chief David Honan reported in a press conference that the CUPD is working hard to crack the case and apprehend this eccentric vagabond. “We are determined to ask the important questions and get to the bottom of this mystery,” noted Honan. “Like, what’s her story? Is she lowkey bad? Does she only play Nintendo, or would she be down to come play FIFA with us sometime?”
BAKER ARCH—This morning President Martha Pollack announced that the University will begin immediate construction on an ambitious $100 million gorge which will connect Fall Creek to Cascadilla.
“While I understand that some students may want these millions of dollars to go to our underfunded mental health services or our critical lack of housing,” said President Pollack, “it strikes me as deeply unfair that students who live on North Campus and in Collegetown get to see a beautiful gorge on their walk to campus while those on West have to trudge up the slope every day without a single gorge in sight.”
Becker House resident Keiren Frankson ‘21 was extremely excited about the idea. “I was just talking to my mom about how I never see the gorges because I live on West Campus,” she said while wearing an “Ithaca is Gorges” sweatshirt. “Sure, my roommate was crying earlier because her financial aid got reduced to help fund the new gorge, but the view is gonna be amazing!”
Chief of Police Kathy Zoner also wholeheartedly endorsed the move, stating that the campus would now be “far more easily fortifiable on three out of four sides.”
DONLON HALL — The lucky winner of a coveted 5 PM time slot and a single in Bethe Hall during the housing lottery for the upcoming fall semester does not want to be the subject of mass media frenzy or be in the public eye whatsoever, and has elected to collect her winnings but remain anonymous.
“I knew that I’d been blessed and that my life would change forever for the better when I first got my time slot, but I’d, at the same time, like to keep my anonymity. I just think my life would be way easier. I just don’t want anyone to think that I’m special or be put on a pedestal. I just got lucky,” said the freshman at a press conference with a bag over her head, whose relationships with her close friends had already been affected by her receipt of the favorable time slot.
Cornell is one of a handful of universities that allow housing lottery winners to remain anonymous. Many people would kill to get the spacious West Campus room that was up for grabs, and the option of not having ones name out in the public eye is guaranteed to keep students safer.
Critics have maintained that allowing winners to keep their winning slots but remain anonymous interferes with the transparency of the randomized process, a necessary component to communicate the idea that housing selection is fair for all students.
The majority of students who were not so lucky with housing will have to wait and try their luck scrambling for apartments in Collegetown during the Ithaca Renting free-for-all next October.