Climate Change Denier Kind of Enjoying Springfest Anyways

This article was sponsored by SpringFest and the Cornell Environmental Collaborative. Springfest is being held on April 22nd from 11:00am to 3:00pm on Ho Plaza to celebrate Earth day and promote sustainability.

HO PLAZA — Eating an organically grown meal from local farmers and listening to live music outside Willard Straight, climate change denier Darrel Jacobs ’17 is surprisingly kind of enjoying Springfest, Cornell’s Earth Day celebration.

“Aside from the clear push to convince everyone that global warming is real, this is pretty fun,” said Jacobs, who earlier entered a raffle to win some cool prizes while throwing aside a couple pamphlets about sustainability.

Many of Jacobs’ friends and classmates had convinced him to attend the festival hoping he would be interested in learning more about eco-friendly things he can try to reduce his carbon footprint, however Jacobs admitted the biggest selling point was “the fact that there will be puppies I can pet. That part doesn’t sound too bad.”

After he was finished having a good amount of fun at Springfest, the skeptic went back to his house, turned all the lights on, and let the tap water run for eight straight hours.

Climate Change Forces Ithaca Weather Monster to Retire

TOMPKINS COUNTY — Gerry the Ithaca weather monster is announcing his retirement after he tried all year to build up massive amounts of snow to dump on students and residents in the greater Tompkins County region, only to see all his hard work melted by man-made global warming.

“I’m done. I can’t stand it,” Gerry said sweating through his down-coat and earmuffs, “I struggled so hard and before I can deliver all this snow to the kids, it’s all ruined. I’ve had it up to HERE. I’m through, you hear me? Through! Have fun skiing on grass, ingrates.”

This year was particularly rough for the weather monster, as the strong El Niño and climate change disrupted weather patterns against the monster’s plans for an early-February blizzard, which quickly turned to mud in the unseasonable 50-degree heat.

“I mean, it’s not like we loved Gerry the weather monster’s output every year,” said Joe Davis ’16, “but his heart was in the right place. It’s sad that he’s being forced out—we’ll miss him. Mostly.”

On the bright side, maybe now we can be warm and happy during our last few winters before climate change kills us all.