TOMPKINS COUNTY — Gerry the Ithaca weather monster is announcing his retirement after he tried all year to build up massive amounts of snow to dump on students and residents in the greater Tompkins County region, only to see all his hard work melted by man-made global warming.
“I’m done. I can’t stand it,” Gerry said sweating through his down-coat and earmuffs, “I struggled so hard and before I can deliver all this snow to the kids, it’s all ruined. I’ve had it up to HERE. I’m through, you hear me? Through! Have fun skiing on grass, ingrates.”
This year was particularly rough for the weather monster, as the strong El Niño and climate change disrupted weather patterns against the monster’s plans for an early-February blizzard, which quickly turned to mud in the unseasonable 50-degree heat.
“I mean, it’s not like we loved Gerry the weather monster’s output every year,” said Joe Davis ’16, “but his heart was in the right place. It’s sad that he’s being forced out—we’ll miss him. Mostly.”
On the bright side, maybe now we can be warm and happy during our last few winters before climate change kills us all.