2035 Survival of Human Species Not a Priority for Cornell, Garrett Says

DAY HALL – President Elizabeth Garrett announced today that Cornell University would no longer strive to achieve complete survival of the human species by 2035, two years after former president David Skorton established action to keep people mostly alive by the same year.

“We believe that it is not in our best interest at this time to support the cause to keep humans on this Earth for at least two more decades, and instead feel as though our resources would be better put towards unnecessarily combining our business programs and finding new ways to sneak higher fees into our tuition rates,” said Garrett, speaking in front of the Board of Trustees still grinning from deciding to not divest from fossil fuels.

“Although multiple professors and students have stepped forward to present research showing that the almost assured doom of our species is guaranteed in fewer than twenty years, I know that we’re making the best move for our wonderful and respected university by pretty much ignoring the matter entirely.”

Garrett was later seen leaving the press conference in her Hummer, mowing down a few students for good measure as she drove away.

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