I’m an intelligent guy. I got a four on the AP Biology exam three years ago, so I’d say I know pretty much everything there is to know about science. So when my BIOG 2020 professor seemingly addressed a question to my female classmate this morning, I knew I had to jump in.
It’s not that I don’t respect my female classmates; of course not. It’s just that I have a busy schedule of sucking the samples off my professor’s dirty Keens the second lecture ends, and I can’t have some woman talking about shopping for thirty minutes making class run late. I think my twenty minute explanation saved the class a lot of time, and it only took the professor an additional fifteen minutes to go over everything I got wrong.
Some may say that I’m disregarding the females in my class by so callously speaking over them, but I’ll have you know that I love women. Specifically, my mother, who drives over every weekend to wash my big boy undies and make me crustless sammies. I’m sure if a woman ever contributes anything to science, I’ll respect a second woman as well.
If I am wrong and the professor really meant to address my femoid classmate, who may at this very moment be considering leaving STEM forever because of the way men treat her, let me face the social consequences for interrupting a woman: Literally fucking nothing. I’m excited not to see her next lecture!
DUFFIELD HALL — Addressing a wholly unbelievable occurrence surely more than sheer coincidence, a study from the Cornell Department of Sociology has found that a guy from your hometown knows that guy you also know.
“Studies across campus indicate that this guy has known that guy you’ve known since summer camp in 2010,” said Dr. Phil Hartman, the project’s principal investigator, adding that the sheer probability of you and another guy from your area both knowing a third guy is so crazy.
The findings also suggest that, though the two of them are not particularly close, this guy had one or two pretty funny anecdotes about that other guy, and probabilistic models indicate you will bring them up the next time you see that guy around.
The report concludes by showing that in nine out of ten cases, this guy from the city or suburb you grew up in also went to that restaurant you love, and the two of you will absolutely have to go together sometime over break.
This article was sponsored by SpringFest and the Cornell Environmental Collaborative. Springfest is being held on April 22nd from 11:00am to 3:00pm on Ho Plaza to celebrate Earth day and promote sustainability.
HO PLAZA — Eating an organically grown meal from local farmers and listening to live music outside Willard Straight, climate change denier Darrel Jacobs ’17 is surprisingly kind of enjoying Springfest, Cornell’s Earth Day celebration.
“Aside from the clear push to convince everyone that global warming is real, this is pretty fun,” said Jacobs, who earlier entered a raffle to win some cool prizes while throwing aside a couple pamphlets about sustainability.
Many of Jacobs’ friends and classmates had convinced him to attend the festival hoping he would be interested in learning more about eco-friendly things he can try to reduce his carbon footprint, however Jacobs admitted the biggest selling point was “the fact that there will be puppies I can pet. That part doesn’t sound too bad.”
After he was finished having a good amount of fun at Springfest, the skeptic went back to his house, turned all the lights on, and let the tap water run for eight straight hours.
DAY HALL – President Elizabeth Garrett announced today that Cornell University would no longer strive to achieve complete survival of the human species by 2035, two years after former president David Skorton established action to keep people mostly alive by the same year.
“We believe that it is not in our best interest at this time to support the cause to keep humans on this Earth for at least two more decades, and instead feel as though our resources would be better put towards unnecessarily combining our business programs and finding new ways to sneak higher fees into our tuition rates,” said Garrett, speaking in front of the Board of Trustees still grinning from deciding to not divest from fossil fuels.
“Although multiple professors and students have stepped forward to present research showing that the almost assured doom of our species is guaranteed in fewer than twenty years, I know that we’re making the best move for our wonderful and respected university by pretty much ignoring the matter entirely.”
Garrett was later seen leaving the press conference in her Hummer, mowing down a few students for good measure as she drove away.
SAPSUCKER WOODS — A blood-covered research assistant from Cornell’s Lab of Ornithology released a statement earlier today that he was “sorry about what happened with all the birds back there.”
The researcher, biology student Robert Cowan M.S. ’18 studying changes in the behavior of the North American Goldfinch in the presence of lawnmowers, claims that the whole accident was just an honest mistake.
“Honest to god, I didn’t realize I had finch blood on my hands until it was too late. Darn shame,” said Cowan apologetically, wiping feathers and entrails off of his jacket.
The fifty-odd birds that perished in Cowan’s experiment were thankfully covered under insurance, and Cowan has been forgiven for his unfortunate mishap on the condition that it not happen again.
Added Cowan’s advisor, Dr. David Winkler in final defense of his student’s actions, “it was all just a big misunderstanding. On the bright side, the department now has dinner for the week.”
PHYSICAL SCIENCES BUILDING — Scientists at the Carl Sagan Institute announced the discovery of a planet so Earth-like that it may be polluted beyond feasible repair. Jansen 434-b, a planet in the Cygnus constellation, was found using data from the Kepler Space Telescope, designed to detect filthy, destitute planets with runaway greenhouse effects caused by abysmally high atmospheric carbon concentrations.
“This exoplanet is approximately two billion years older than the Earth, which means there has been plenty of time for all of its natural resources to be spent and any extant ecosystem to be completely decimated,” said Henry Baird, an astronomer for the Sagan Institute.
When asked if the planet could potentially support life, Baird detailed that it likely did at some point, but that those life forms likely succumbed to the effects of overpopulation and overconsumption, in complete disregard for the clamors of their own scientific community.
“The orbital distance of the planet indicates there may be water on this new world, just like on Earth,” claimed physics PhD. candidate David Reynolds, “with vast expansive oceans and lakebeds that have been poisoned by oil spills and eutrophication effects.”
Scientists from NASA and the SETI Institute agree that the discovery of Jansen 434-b is a big a step towards finding extraterrestrial intelligence that will one day inevitably destroy itself via nuclear warfare.