Arizona Student Remarks on Difference Between Humidity and Dry Heat for Fifth Fucking Time

ARTS QUAD—Adding to his friends’ goddamn never ending list of complaints about the recent hot weather, Daniel Brenner ‘21 remarked on the difference between Ithaca’s humidity and the hot, arid climate of his hometown in Arizona for the fifth fucking time this week.

“I would take 100 degrees and dry over 80 degrees and humid any day,” said Brenner, reciting one of his shitty, useless sayings and derailing a conversation that had nothing to do with his overwrought and completely fucking unnecessary views on the weather. “You walk two feet, and you’re already drenched in sweat,” he explained to his friends, who, frankly, didn’t need the damn twat telling them something they already fucking knew.

“I mean we get it you little dusty son of a bitch, the weather’s different where you’re from,” Brenner’s soon-to-be ex-friend remarked. “I swear to god almighty if he drops another ‘it’s like we’re practically underwater’ or ‘gosh it’s a sauna out here,’ I will kick that barren-ass motherfucker into a new humidity level.”

“Boy, I can’t wait to get home and shower!” the desert freak reportedly said, eagerly awaiting a laugh or other half-hearted response from someone who hadn’t already heard his pigeon-shit proverbs, but ultimately receiving no praise for his dumpster crap remarks.

The sand-fucker was last seen madly flapping his arms like a fucking sociopath in an attempt to illustrate the “thickness” of the air.

2035 Survival of Human Species Not a Priority for Cornell, Garrett Says

DAY HALL – President Elizabeth Garrett announced today that Cornell University would no longer strive to achieve complete survival of the human species by 2035, two years after former president David Skorton established action to keep people mostly alive by the same year.

“We believe that it is not in our best interest at this time to support the cause to keep humans on this Earth for at least two more decades, and instead feel as though our resources would be better put towards unnecessarily combining our business programs and finding new ways to sneak higher fees into our tuition rates,” said Garrett, speaking in front of the Board of Trustees still grinning from deciding to not divest from fossil fuels.

“Although multiple professors and students have stepped forward to present research showing that the almost assured doom of our species is guaranteed in fewer than twenty years, I know that we’re making the best move for our wonderful and respected university by pretty much ignoring the matter entirely.”

Garrett was later seen leaving the press conference in her Hummer, mowing down a few students for good measure as she drove away.