Report: Bad Prelim Grade Going to Turn Out Okay

IVES HALL – Following a poor grade on his latest ILR prelim, Lenny Holt ’18 was reported as feeling surprisingly okay, under the realization that a bad grade wasn’t going to ruin his life and there were worse situations to be in.

Given this new perspective, Holt allegedly went on to take a deep breath and close his eyes for a few seconds, while acknowledging how thankful he was for being able to attend such an incredible school, with such incredible people, and how grateful he was for being in good health.

Holt then confirmed that his prelim score would make up twenty percent of his final class grade, five percent of his semester grade, and about half a percentage point of his overall collegiate GPA, which when thought about in such a way really took some of the pressure off the second-semester sophomore.

It was later reported that Holt skipped his 1:25 class to spend time playing frisbee with some friends on the arts quad, recognizing that companionship and enjoying all the world has to give is sometimes more important than stressing about academics.

2035 Survival of Human Species Not a Priority for Cornell, Garrett Says

DAY HALL – President Elizabeth Garrett announced today that Cornell University would no longer strive to achieve complete survival of the human species by 2035, two years after former president David Skorton established action to keep people mostly alive by the same year.

“We believe that it is not in our best interest at this time to support the cause to keep humans on this Earth for at least two more decades, and instead feel as though our resources would be better put towards unnecessarily combining our business programs and finding new ways to sneak higher fees into our tuition rates,” said Garrett, speaking in front of the Board of Trustees still grinning from deciding to not divest from fossil fuels.

“Although multiple professors and students have stepped forward to present research showing that the almost assured doom of our species is guaranteed in fewer than twenty years, I know that we’re making the best move for our wonderful and respected university by pretty much ignoring the matter entirely.”

Garrett was later seen leaving the press conference in her Hummer, mowing down a few students for good measure as she drove away.

Elizabeth Garrett Finally Fitting in with Wrong Crowd

ITHACA SKATE PARK — Finally, at the end of her first semester at Cornell, President Elizabeth Garrett is settling in and making new friends with some burnouts from Ithaca High School.

“These guys get me, you know?” said Garrett on the halfpipe of the Ithaca skate park, “I feel like I can finally reinvent my image now that I’m at Cornell. This is who I am now, and they’ve accepted me for it.”

Feeling that many of her Cornell peers couldn’t cut loose and have fun as easily, Garrett joined her new crew in early November and was quickly accepted into the group of tattooed, pierced youths. Her best friend is a short kid named Dwiggy who has the words “Dirt Devil” inked on his forehead.

“There’s also this guy called Switchblade who hangs out with us sometimes. His parents aren’t home much, so we usually go over to his house and trash the place,” added Garrett.

Garrett’s new friends are all nice people at heart, but her better judgment says she should meet some quieter students to lay low with ever since the gang got busted for shoplifting cigarettes.

Hungover Garrett Regrets 2 AM Impulse Purchase of New Academic Building

DAY HALL – After a night of intense partying, President Elizabeth Garrett woke up this morning with both a massive hangover and immense regret from drunkenly ordering a new academic building to be constructed on campus.

“I don’t even remember buying a new building, but I got an email confirmation that I did at 2:30AM last night” admitted Garrett, who had apparently gone on to Amazon.com after stumbling home shit-faced from Level B and decided to shop for $40 million halls for sale by users.

A statement released by the Office of the President acknowledges the mistake, yet reminds the community that the building in question has tremendous ratings, and the immense cost was offset by Garrett’s $50 gift card.

“I haven’t really thought about what I’m going to name the new building yet. Bacardi Hall, maybe?” said Garrett, while fondly remembering the night before. “I guess the students will just have to deal with more construction and raised tuition until I get my drinking problem under control.”

Construction for the new academic building is expected to be completed in Spring 2018, leaving Garrett sadly wishing she had at least chosen two-day shipping.

Cornell Presidential Inauguration Dwarfed by Newfangled Feminist Ideology

ARTS QUAD — Completely overshadowing the rhetoric and emotion of today’s ceremony, the feminist overtones of President Elizabeth Garrett’s administration stole the stage at the historic inauguration ceremony Friday morning.

“I worked on my speech for days, but I think what people were most enamored by was that I’m the first Cornell President to wear a skirt,” said Garrett, whose newly inducted womanhood signals the leaps and strides of the female sex more than it does any of her proposed academic or social changes to the university.

Notable points of Garrett’s speech included her commitment to accessible higher education, an emphasis on applied research, the importance of a humanities degree, and many other significant topics that bowed in humility to Garrett’s esteemed femininity.

“It’s so inspirational that we now have a girl like me as the President of Cornell!”, commented spectator Cynthia Jansen ‘17, who until now had never realized the true potential of an already incredibly accomplished and determined woman following her career.

After the ceremony, Garrett’s attempts to make small talk at the reception following were impeded by the winds of social change messing up her hair.

Elizabeth Garrett Out of BRBs

DAY HALL — Earlier today, President Elizabeth Garrett officially ran out of all three hundred Big Red Bucks on her campus meal plan.

According to her secretary Deborah Moss, Garrett was spending upwards of 30 BRBs on a daily basis: “Sometimes Beth would get breakfast at Trillium, lunch at Terrace, and would run out for coffee in the afternoon to Rusty’s, and she even charged into Okenshields too. It adds up fast if you’re not careful.”

Reports show that, despite the purchases of cookies by the dozen from Cafe Jennie, the Day Hall vending machine gummy worms constituted a plurality of the lead administrator’s spending habits.

“Now I’m going to have to ask my parents for more spending money” complained the distraught president to fellow academic officials. “Mom’s gonna freak out now when I tell her I have to use the emergency credit card.”

Garrett, who is expected to manage the University’s larger-scale finances in years to come, has most recently been seen at RPCC begging patrons for a guest swipe.

Elizabeth Garrett Fails Swim Test

TEAGLE HALL — After failing to swim the requisite 75 yards, Elizabeth Garrett was disappointed to announce she had not passed the water safety competency test enforced by the University. She will now need to enroll in PE 1100 – Beginning Swimming and pass the course before the end of her tenure, in order to officially retain her title as Cornell University President.

“I never learned how to swim,” Garrett was disheartened to reveal, “it just never was something that ever was important during my thirty years in academia, but it looks like I’ll just have to learn it now.”

Garrett reportedly did okay by doggie paddling the first lap of the pool, but struggled on her backstroke, after which she treaded water as best she could while the supervising lifeguards fished her out of the third lane.

Said Jacob Gittleson ’19, who was next in line after President Garrett, “it was sad, really. I didn’t know whether to jump in and help her out or wait for the lifeguards.”

While taking the swim course this semester will be an inconvenience, Garrett commented that she at least was able to use her AP credit to place out of one First-Year Writing Seminar.

Elizabeth Garrett Moves into Balch Single

NORTH CAMPUS — Eager to begin her tenure as Cornell’s 13th president, Elizabeth Garrett finally moved into her single in Balch Hall this past week.

“It’s such a nice room” said Garrett as she tacked up photos of her family’s dog on her cork board. “I have my own sink and a great view of that green bridge!”

Garrett is confident that she will adjust well to college life and living on her own, but has been assured that she can always talk to her R.A., Erin Richer ’18, if she needs anything at all.

“Having a single in an all-girls dorm might get lonely at times,” added Garrett. “I hope I can meet people and make new friends once my floormates get here!”

At press time, Garrett was still searching for somewhere to fit her minifridge and waiting for someone to come loft her bed.

Three Top Administrators to Leave This Year Probably Know Something We Don’t

DAY HALL- Many are speculating that the three high-level administrators (President David Skorton, Vice President for Student and Academic Services Susan Murphy, and Provost Kent Fuchs) that have announced that they are leaving the University this year probably know a deep, dark secret about the future of Cornell that the rest of us don’t.

“This can’t be a coincidence,” said a visibly unnerved Vice President Antonio M. Gotto while frantically packing up everything in his office.

“Skorton, Murphy, and Fuchs must be keeping something from us. There is a conspiracy here and it runs much higher than either you or I can fathom. This place must be a sinking ship and I’m getting out while I still can.”

At press time, newly appointed President Elizabeth Garrett was working on her veil of enthusiasm while preparing to run what she called “a lost cause.”

Board of Trustees: ‘It’s a Girl!’

DAY HALL— As many know, the Cornell University Board of Trustees has been expecting to announce their newest president for about six months. This morning, at 11:55 AM on September 30, proud Board member Robert S. Harrison confirmed that the new president is a girl, weighing 127 lbs, 11oz. The announcement is premature, as the general public expected to wait three more months until the candidate would be revealed.

“The Board of Trustees is very pleased to announce the arrival of their newest president, Elizabeth Garrett,” said Harrison. “She is healthy and ready to meet the world.”

Chair of the Presidential Search Committee, Jan Rock Zubrow, commented quietly, as she softly cradled Beth in an office in Day Hall. “We’ve had twelve rowdy boys so far, so having a girl back at the house will be a nice change of pace.”

Elizabeth’s predecessor, little Davey Skorton (64 years old), said he was “so excited about the newest president” and that he intends to “play with her all the time, teach her how to crawl, help her with homework when she goes to school, and show her how to suspend fraternities like a grown-up!” He’s not too pleased, however, about having to share his room in the A.D. White House.

Harrison assured Skorton that even though there was a new little president around now, they would still love him and give him as much attention as always.