Nooz Staff September 30, 2014

Board of Trustees: ‘It’s a Girl!’

DAY HALL— As many know, the Cornell University Board of Trustees has been expecting to announce their newest president for about six months. This morning, at 11:55 AM on September 30, proud Board member Robert S. Harrison confirmed that the new president is a girl, weighing 127 lbs, 11oz. The announcement is premature, as the general public expected to wait three more months until the candidate would be revealed.

“The Board of Trustees is very pleased to announce the arrival of their newest president, Elizabeth Garrett,” said Harrison. “She is healthy and ready to meet the world.”

Chair of the Presidential Search Committee, Jan Rock Zubrow, commented quietly, as she softly cradled Beth in an office in Day Hall. “We’ve had twelve rowdy boys so far, so having a girl back at the house will be a nice change of pace.”

Elizabeth’s predecessor, little Davey Skorton (64 years old), said he was “so excited about the newest president” and that he intends to “play with her all the time, teach her how to crawl, help her with homework when she goes to school, and show her how to suspend fraternities like a grown-up!” He’s not too pleased, however, about having to share his room in the A.D. White House.

Harrison assured Skorton that even though there was a new little president around now, they would still love him and give him as much attention as always.

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