TRENTON, NJ — At his cousins’ house for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday night, President Skorton’s parents allegedly pressured him to “get a real job” and “stop living in fantasy land.” The 65 year-old reportedly got into a heated argument with his mother, Jane, and his father, Richard, about his future before dismissing them altogether and asking…
MARY DONLON HALL—While the vast majority of students visited home over Thanksgiving Break, reports confirm that Brian O’Connor (ILR ’18) had a great time staying in his quiet, lonely dorm the past five days. “It probably would’ve been really really nice spend time with my parents, or my dog, or my girlfriend of three years….
Kenneth Post Greenhouse — In response to inquiries of a suspicious rotting smell that was emanating from one of Cornell’s many greenhouses last week, Cornell botanists have said that was definitely caused the corpse plant and not anything nefarious or illegal. “Haha, what? Why are you even asking?” Plant Biology professor Melinda Luckow asked with…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD- After completing a successful 1-9 season, The Cornell Big Red football team were awarded individual participation trophies this morning. “We certainly didn’t win every game, but my boys gave it their all and I’m incredibly proud to award them with recognition of their participation,” said Coach David Archer, carrying a box of plastic…
CASCADILLA GORGE – In heartwarming news, the Colleges Against Cancer Club is reporting that “No Cave November” has been an astounding success, with 99% of Cornellians refusing to enter caves, caverns, and other subterranean ares since the beginning of the month. “When we began planning the initiative we didn’t know what to expect,” says cancer…
WILLARD STRAIGHT — The latest Cornell blood drive is sparking renewed frustration as donors receive their results from the required test taken before donation. Red Cross representative Katherine Lea reports, “The median blood type was around a B. This is a slightly above average result and the students should be very proud.” Chris Tanner, ‘18,…
URIS LIBRARY — Library Director Vera Mathelson announced that Cornell will begin a trial-period for the temporary checking out of self-esteem, self-confidence, and other measures of self-worth. “We identified a deficit in Cornell students of that special kind of happiness which can only be gained through positive reinforcement and a strong sense of self-esteem. We’re…
ARTS QUAD — A new study shows that Californian students are already tired of students from colder regions telling them how much colder it’s going to get. “I get it. I’m from California. I’m already wearing the warmest jacket I own. It’s going to get colder, I get it. I know how the seasons work,”…
CORNELL TECH CAMPUS—With a multi-thousand dollar gift from AOL, Cornell Tech will form a new “Dropped Connection Lab”, where faculty, students and researchers alike will collaborate to create technologies that “would have changed the way we live a ten years ago”. “The lab will not only conduct irrelevant research, but will also build poorly functioning…
DAY HALL — Cornell announced early Monday morning that yesterday would be the last Sunday for the academic year. “We conducted a large-scale study of how students worked during the course of a week and we discovered that Sunday was the leader in a number of concerning categories,” said April May, the chair of Cornell’s…
