Library to Test New “Self-Esteem” Borrowing Service

URIS LIBRARY — Library Director Vera Mathelson announced that Cornell will begin a trial-period for the temporary checking out of self-esteem, self-confidence, and other measures of self-worth.

“We identified a deficit in Cornell students of that special kind of happiness which can only be gained through positive reinforcement and a strong sense of self-esteem. We’re hoping to address that issue by allowing students to check out these feelings for a short amount of time,” said Mathelson.

The plan includes a catalogue of over 250 compliments including “You look great today,” “Have you been working out?” and “You have great fingernails.” During the first three weeks of the trial period, generalized and worthless platitudes will be added on a daily basis. At the moment, the only one-size-fits-all reassurances offered are “You can do it!” and “Awesome!” According to Mathelson, these cliches were specifically tailored for every single Cornell student despite the broad range of interests, values, and personalities encompassed by the increasingly-diverse student body, and they cost over $200,000 to develop.

“Cornell is seeking to stabilize and improve the mental health of its students, and we hope that this will be the bandaid that fixes it all in one go. Every Cornell student has access to these services,” said Matherson, “but keep in mind that a late return of confidence can result in hefty fines.”

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