December 3, 2014

Parents Pressure Skorton to “Get a Real Job” at Thanksgiving Dinner

TRENTON, NJ — At his cousins’ house for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday night, President Skorton’s parents allegedly pressured him to “get a real job” and “stop living in fantasy land.” The 65 year-old reportedly got into a heated argument with his mother, Jane, and his father, Richard, about his future before dismissing them altogether and asking his Aunt Margaret for the cranberry sauce.

“We just don’t think taking care of little kids  is a good use of our little boy’s time,” Jane told reporters, adding, “I know there’s not much you can do with a degree in psychology, but I figure he can get a job with a decent salary and dental if he actually looks for it.”

When Skorton defended himself by pointing out he would soon be the new head of the Smithsonian, his father retorted, “What? So you can play with action figures and model planes all day long you pansy?  I built up my fencing business with my own sweat and blood so you could throw away your life being a glorified twelve-year old?”

Other relatives chimed in with their advice for Skorton’s career and personal life.  Aunt Margaret pointed out, “There’s a job opening at the Staples down the road that looks just lovely dear.”  Her husband Jedd added, “Yeah the checkout girl there has some sweet cans,” downing his fourth scotch and soda.

This was the end of the incident as Skorton quickly got up from the table, screamed, “I knew I should have gone to Thanksgiving at my girlfriend’s house!” and locked himself in his room to cuddle with his dog.

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