Tag Archives: Thanksgiving

OP-ED: My Favorite Part of Thanksgiving? When We Fill The Turkey’s Turkussy With Other Foods, Of Course!

NEW JERSEY — Thanksgiving holiday traditions are a warm way to kick off the season for families across the nation, and I personally cannot wait for this week’s festivities. From watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade to watching some football between helpings, families everywhere have their own little traditions that Read More

Student Returning Home For Thanksgiving Horrified by Unmistakable Signs That Parents Have Managed to Rekindle Long-Dead Sex Life in Their Absence

BLOOMFIELD, NJ — As students flocked to their hometowns in anticipation of Thanksgiving break, freshman Noah Yearwood was met with the horrifying discovery that his father is once again rearranging his mother’s guts.  “Ever since I got home, my dad has been walking into the kitchen whistling every morning. I Read More

OP-ED: This Thanksgiving, I’d Like to Thank God For Blessing Me With Such a Fat Juicy Pussy

Thanksgiving is a day in which friends and family give their thanks for all that they are grateful for. This year, I plan on expressing a huge thank you to God for gifting me with an invaluable asset: a succulent, sizable, stank-ass pussy.  When forging me from his flesh, God Read More

Freshman Can’t Wait to Tell Parents About New Friends She’ll Drop Before Thanksgiving

CLARA DICKSON HALL—After having met so many people since arriving at college, Michelle Taylor ‘22 is reportedly dying to return to her hometown this Fall Break and tell her parents all about the new college friends who won’t be a part of her life in two months’ time. “I’m so Read More

CU Nooz’s Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Break is often a stressful time full of personality clashes and ideological disagreements. Here are CU Nooz’s tips for surviving! Offer to breed, raise, slaughter, clean, and roast the turkey to avoid spending time with distant cousins. Communicate only through memes to show your great aunt that your thoughts Read More

Politically Divided Family Exchanges Warm Fuzzies Over Last Slice of Pie

GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After a particularly tense Thanksgiving dinner peppered with snide remarks, Jane Davidson ’19 was surprised by the kindness prompted by the last slice of pumpkin pie. “I got riled up when Janey rolled up our damn driveway with her blue Prius and Hillary 2016 sticker,” said Read More

International Students Confused About Where Everyone Went

HOLLAND INTERNATIONAL LIVING CENTER – Huddled together in a common room of HILC, the twelve international students left all alone on campus are deeply confused about where everyone went. “Hey, why’d everybody leave?” said bamboozled student Avi Khan after emerging to a cold, desolate wasteland. “Where would everyone need to Read More

Snow Offers Students First Non-Controversial Conversation Topic in Over a Month

ARTS QUAD – Following a relatively surprising November snowstorm, reports indicate that Cornell students are using the change in weather as a conversation topic in place of much more controversial issues dominating discussions for the past month. “Wow, I can’t believe it’s so snowy!” said Hannah Palmer ’19, choosing to Read More

Parents Pressure Skorton to “Get a Real Job” at Thanksgiving Dinner

TRENTON, NJ — At his cousins’ house for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday night, President Skorton’s parents allegedly pressured him to “get a real job” and “stop living in fantasy land.” The 65 year-old reportedly got into a heated argument with his mother, Jane, and his father, Richard, about his future before Read More