Turkey Day Uh Oh! Ugly Cousin Hitting on You

JERICO, NY –  You were expecting a “nice and chill” Thanksgiving break back at home with your family. You’d been looking forward to the nice food, seeing your pets, and even chatting with family members you haven’t seen in a while. But before you know it, things are getting too hot to handle at the kid’s table thanks to a recent awkward encounter with your ugly cousin.

“I was really just trying to hit up that home Tinder, y’know? I didn’t expect to see my creepy cousin there, and obviously I wasn’t really interested,” you say. You go on to tell yourself that you “definitely only swiped right for the meme.” But your ugly cousin doesn’t seem to have received that message.

You might’ve worried that when you saw your cousin, she would be creeped out. As it turns out, she misunderstood your joke in a different way. You knew you were in deep shit when she arrived on Thanksgiving, ugly as ever, and offered you an uncomfortably close and unfathomably long hug. Things went from bad to worse with a smattering of stuffing innuendos being hurled your way. 

One could argue it was all admissible… that is, until the family’s Thanksgiving Football Game. Over and over again you fall, brought to the ground by her and her slimy, reptilian face, far too close for comfort. If only one of the hot cousins was coming to mash your potatoes, you think wistfully. Alas, the fates deemed it just had to be the ugly one. 

You break for your room, desperately attempting to escape the clutches of that foul-faced temptress. But as you look over your shoulder, all you see is a giddy, pig-eyed grin. Your fate may be sealed.

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