ITHACA—Two days of rest and relaxation were not enough for Joel Robinesson ‘23, who used his February break to embark on a thrilling and debaucherous methamphetamine-fueled bender.
“I’m just feeling great. Really great. Super great. Totally great. You guys can see me right?” said Robinesson late Monday afternoon when he was spotted wandering around campus. “Look at that! That’s Ezra Cornell. He’s coming over. Oh no, he’s coming over? Are you Ezra Cornell? I have to go.”
Robinesson began his high early Sunday afternoon, claiming that he wanted to spend Saturday at Greek Peak and attend Sunday brunch at Taverna Banfi. Citing his great stamina and above-average metabolism, he felt confident in his ability to recover in time to write a paper and study for an exam in the days immediately following February break.
“Joel’s an absolute fiend so if it was just meth he’d be in the clear,” commented Robinesson’s roommate Jackson Villagen ‘22. “I was there when he started smoking up but I left to pick up a FaceTime from my girl. When I came back there were crazy pills all over the table and Joel had taken at least half of them. It was crazy dude.”
At press time, Robinesson was unavailable for comment. However, there have been recent reports of a man fitting Robinesson’s height and build wandering around the nearby town of Lansing.
JERICO, NY – You were expecting a “nice and chill” Thanksgiving break back at home with your family. You’d been looking forward to the nice food, seeing your pets, and even chatting with family members you haven’t seen in a while. But before you know it, things are getting too hot to handle at the kid’s table thanks to a recent awkward encounter with your ugly cousin.
“I was really just trying to hit up that home Tinder, y’know? I didn’t expect to see my creepy cousin there, and obviously I wasn’t really interested,” you say. You go on to tell yourself that you “definitely only swiped right for the meme.” But your ugly cousin doesn’t seem to have received that message.
You might’ve worried that when you saw your cousin, she would be creeped out. As it turns out, she misunderstood your joke in a different way. You knew you were in deep shit when she arrived on Thanksgiving, ugly as ever, and offered you an uncomfortably close and unfathomably long hug. Things went from bad to worse with a smattering of stuffing innuendos being hurled your way.
One could argue it was all admissible… that is, until the family’s Thanksgiving Football Game. Over and over again you fall, brought to the ground by her and her slimy, reptilian face, far too close for comfort. If only one of the hot cousins was coming to mash your potatoes, you think wistfully. Alas, the fates deemed it just had to be the ugly one.
You break for your room, desperately attempting to escape the clutches of that foul-faced temptress. But as you look over your shoulder, all you see is a giddy, pig-eyed grin. Your fate may be sealed.
COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of the novel coronavirus epidemic, classmates, friends, and other acquaintances of Bryan Pham ‘21 have all asked about his winter break travel plans. Specifically about his proximity to Wuhan, the capital city of the Hubei province of China and the epicenter of the coronavirus outbreak.
“I heard on twitter that the Chinese government is underreporting the amount of detected coronavirus cases,” said Janet Manning ‘22, a classmate in Pham’s Friday discussion. “You didn’t go anywhere near there over break, did you, Bryan?”
Despite receiving all of this attention, Pham has never been to China, let alone Wuhan, at any point in his entire life. The Seattle native and and third generation Vietnamese American spent his break at home, hanging out with his parents and sleeping.
“I’m getting a little worried about Bryan; the incubation period for coronavirus is still unknown. He’s a ticking time bomb, and worse yet, he’s not even wearing a mask,” said Pham’s roommate, Nick Alonso ‘21.
At press time, Pham was reportedly minding his own business and avoiding his friends, not because of the risk of infecting them, but because they’re actually really racist.
COLLEGETOWN—After four of the most invigorating days of his life, Angelo Larusso ‘20 has returned to a snowy Ithaca campus a new man.
“My perspective completely changed over the nearly three-quarters of a week I was away,” Larusso said, his face now illuminated by a sun-kissed glow and his hair a millimeter longer. “The snow, the stress—my time away truly lifted me from my problems, giving me insight on my life I never could have possibly dreamed of last Friday.”
The two days off were enough to fully clear Larusso’s skin of the blemishes that had appeared during the cold snap.
“He’s almost unrecognizable from the person he was before break,” said Larusso’s roommate, Angelica Kim ‘20. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he started growing a mustache. I wish I could’ve gotten out of Ithaca.”
Larusso intends to enjoy his new lease on Cornell life by incorporating more Hawaiian shirts into his wardrobe.
Thanksgiving Break is often a stressful time full of personality clashes and ideological disagreements. Here are CU Nooz’s tips for surviving!
- Offer to breed, raise, slaughter, clean, and roast the turkey to avoid spending time with distant cousins.
- Communicate only through memes to show your great aunt that your thoughts and feelings are in fact relatable.
- Volunteer to stand directly in front of the television so that the alpha males of your family can’t butt heads over sports.
- When your grandma asks you about your love life, remind her that Mary was a virgin.
- Remember to avoid the upstairs bathroom, because that’s where your uncle goes to poop.
- To help ease small talk, separate the group into three tables: adults, kids, and racists.
- Repeatedly stare at backpack full of textbooks you optimistically lugged home but realistically will never open.
- Write down versions of “It’s delicious!” and “Best I’ve ever had!” on the back of your hand to prepare for your mother’s constant need of validation for her cooking.
- If things get quiet, repeatedly whisper “Roy Moore” until the things liven up. Then shout “Ben Carson” until everyone calms down again.
- Remind your successful relatives that unless you find a job, you’ll be moving in with them, so they better hustle on the whole networking thing.
- If things get stressful, just remember that after this break you have one week until finals begin, so you ain’t seen nothin yet. Perspective is key.
HO PLAZA– In preparation for the end of February break on Tuesday, February 16, Gannett Health Services released the following statement: “Nearly half of all seniors at Cornell suffer from some sort of senioritis. Getting a dose of reality can help students attain and keep their motivation. Ask your professor if your brain is smart enough to continue taking the course without any serious drops in your grades. Do not take a dose of reality if you are currently taking classes you don’t care about. Side-effects of the break include wanting five more minutes of sleep and cramming for Wednesday. If you begin missing home, call your parents immediately. Ask yourself if a vacation is right for you. If your break lasts for more than four days, visit your professor to find out how to catch up on all you’ve missed.”