Turkey Day Uh Oh! Ugly Cousin Hitting on You

JERICO, NY –  You were expecting a “nice and chill” Thanksgiving break back at home with your family. You’d been looking forward to the nice food, seeing your pets, and even chatting with family members you haven’t seen in a while. But before you know it, things are getting too hot to handle at the kid’s table thanks to a recent awkward encounter with your ugly cousin.

“I was really just trying to hit up that home Tinder, y’know? I didn’t expect to see my creepy cousin there, and obviously I wasn’t really interested,” you say. You go on to tell yourself that you “definitely only swiped right for the meme.” But your ugly cousin doesn’t seem to have received that message.

You might’ve worried that when you saw your cousin, she would be creeped out. As it turns out, she misunderstood your joke in a different way. You knew you were in deep shit when she arrived on Thanksgiving, ugly as ever, and offered you an uncomfortably close and unfathomably long hug. Things went from bad to worse with a smattering of stuffing innuendos being hurled your way. 

One could argue it was all admissible… that is, until the family’s Thanksgiving Football Game. Over and over again you fall, brought to the ground by her and her slimy, reptilian face, far too close for comfort. If only one of the hot cousins was coming to mash your potatoes, you think wistfully. Alas, the fates deemed it just had to be the ugly one. 

You break for your room, desperately attempting to escape the clutches of that foul-faced temptress. But as you look over your shoulder, all you see is a giddy, pig-eyed grin. Your fate may be sealed.

Entomology Voted Ickiest Major

COMSTOCK HALL—Citing that the study of insects is a field generally considered to be “slimy,” “oh jeez, so gross,” and “no no no take that thing away from me,” the deans of every Cornell academic college released a report today indicating they had unanimously voted upon entomology to be the ickiest undergraduate major.

“We recognize the importance of studying this undervalued field of biology, but my goodness, it’s just so yucky, you know?” said CALS Dean of Students Kathryn J. Boor about the vote, who earlier in the day had gotten the shivers watching a spooky centipede slink along the sidewalk like a tiny, skeevy alien.

Intro Entomology TA Juliana Lopez agreed. “I’m super on board with drawing connections between aspects of the natural world unseen by the naked eye, but oh my good god my backpack’s just full of insects! The bugs are everywhere and somehow it’s even ickier when they’re dead!”

Boor went on to praise the students who had decided to enter the nastiest major offered, and made it clear that the entomology students she met were “much different than the bunch of weirdos I was expecting.”