Thanksgiving is a day in which friends and family give their thanks for all that they are grateful for. This year, I plan on expressing a huge thank you to God for gifting me with an invaluable asset: a succulent, sizable, stank-ass pussy.
When forging me from his flesh, God decided to direct any weight that I gain to my crotch, and I am endlessly thankful for that. The infamous freshman fifteen went straight to this vagina, leaving me with the fattest coochie I’ve ever called my own. I truly appreciate how this has improved all of its blessed intricacies—a vibrant vulva, a luxurious labia, an unmatched urethra.
Some may be thankful for the food on their table or their good health during this pandemic, and that’s great and all, but it’s clear that those people do not have as voluptuous of a vagina as I do. Whenever I bring up my fat cunt at the dinner table, these types of people always get upset. But I do not blame them, for we are all God’s creatures. It’s not my fault that God gave me such a thick, queef-prone honey pot—and likewise, it’s not their fault that they were not given this blessing. They have things that they can be grateful for, too! Like their… um… great personalities!
So—thank you, Jesus. Thank you for this huge, slippery waterslide in my pants. I could never repay you. Amen.
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