Breaking: The Lord Our God to Require Two-Factor Authentication to Enter the Kingdom of Heaven

PEARLY GATES–Accompanied by a choir of seraphim, the Ruler of the Universe broke over two thousand years of silence to announce that Duo Mobile will now be required to attain eternal paradise.

“For too long, admittance to heaven or hell has depended on arbitrary and outdated criteria, such as inherent goodness, being gay, or doing butt stuff,” announced the Rock of Ages. “In My infinite wisdom I have decided to allow any soul who can pass the ultimate test of goodness: waiting a whole forty fucking seconds for this Me-damn app to load while every single soul in line behind you is wondering what’s taking this asshole so long,” concluded the King of Kings.

While some have praised the move for its novelty and egalitarianism, others find that the Lord is working in ways a little too mysterious.

“At first I thought ‘Hey, what am I doing back in Baker?’ Then I realized I hit the wrong button on Duo Mobile,” said Vinicius de Melo ‘67 from the fiery pits of hell. “I was pissed that one wrong button could condemn me to infinite punishment, but then I thought about all the drugs I did at Slope Day ‘64, and this is probably fair. Plus I got a weeklong CHEM 2090 final coming up, so I have more important things to worry about.”

At press time the Heavenly Father released a second announcement assuring His flock that the developers of Duo Mobile were still going straight to hell.

OP-ED: This Thanksgiving, I’d Like to Thank God For Blessing Me With Such a Fat Juicy Pussy

Thanksgiving is a day in which friends and family give their thanks for all that they are grateful for. This year, I plan on expressing a huge thank you to God for gifting me with an invaluable asset: a succulent, sizable, stank-ass pussy. 

When forging me from his flesh, God decided to direct any weight that I gain to my crotch, and I am endlessly thankful for that. The infamous freshman fifteen went straight to this vagina, leaving me with the fattest coochie I’ve ever called my own. I truly appreciate how this has improved all of its blessed intricaciesa vibrant vulva, a luxurious labia, an unmatched urethra. 

Some may be thankful for the food on their table or their good health during this pandemic, and that’s great and all, but it’s clear that those people do not have as voluptuous of a vagina as I do. Whenever I bring up my fat cunt at the dinner table, these types of people always get upset. But I do not blame them, for we are all God’s creatures. It’s not my fault that God gave me such a thick, queef-prone honey potand likewise, it’s not their fault that they were not given this blessing. They have things that they can be grateful for, too! Like their… um… great personalities!

Sothank you, Jesus. Thank you for this huge, slippery waterslide in my pants. I could never repay you. Amen.