WASHINGTON, D.C.– Still angered over the introduction of the new Gannett health fee, student activists stormed into Smithsonian Secretary David Skorton’s office in Washington, refusing to leave until the fee was revoked.
“We are here to show the administration that the student body will not quietly sit back and succumb to their corporate agenda. $350 is too much.” said Joseph Glazer ‘17, holding up a sign saying “No Flex Zone” and having spent about $575 on gas, food, and hotel rooms to make the trip to Washington D.C.
“If President Skorton really thought he’d be able ignore our demands as usual by moving to the nation’s capital hundreds of miles away, then he sorely underestimates the power of student activism,” added Cillian Muller ‘18.
Other protesters on the National Mall, those decrying human rights violations, climate change and congressional inactivity, passed by the Cornellians outside the Smithsonian Castle, admiring the righteous cause of the dozen irate Ivy League students upset with their marginal increase in student healthcare.
The protests dissipated later that day, with the students returning to Ithaca, eager to wait for the next University inconvenience to raise up arms yet again.
DAY HALL — As President Skorton cleans out his office to make way for Elizabeth Garrett’s arrival on July 1st, the illustrious faculty of his administration are being packed up and shipped out. Some administrators will go in storage, others will be sent to Skorton’s new office at the Smithsonian. While bundling up the various members of his administrative staff in large crates and boxes, Skorton can’t help but reminisce a little about each one.
“I have a lot of memories of these things,” said Skorton as he carefully covered University Vice President for Information Technologies Thomas Dodds in bubble wrap. “This one I really enjoyed, and that one over there was probably my favorite” he recounted, pointing at a large sealed box labeled “SUSAN MURPHY” on the side.
It’s jarring, seeing the President’s office this bare, without his myriad diplomas and Vice President for Budget and Planning Paul Streeter adorning his walls. Even Joan DeStefano, Cornell’s CFO, has been cleared off of his desk.
“It’s going to be a hard transition, but at least I’ll be able to take the most competent university officers with me to my new home in Washington,” he added. “We’ll likely have to sell the rest.”
Sources report that President Garrett’s new administration will be arriving incrementally via Fedex in several shipments over the next few weeks.
DAY HALL – It was announced earlier today that outgoing President David Skorton will be traveling around Europe following his time at Cornell. As he starts his job as Secretary of the Smithsonian, this trip will mark the last real summer for Skorton before entering the workforce.
When asked about his choice, Skorton said his main motivation is that “I won’t have another time in my life when I can just pack up and go. I need to do this now, while I’m still young, or else I might never get the chance.”
The University President also related that his summers before and during his time at Cornell were either lazily spent at home, or spent at menial summer jobs and tedious internships. He worked so hard and stressed so much at Cornell, but now is his time to just explore.
“I plan on going to Paris, London, Prague, and maybe even Amsterdam. I’ll settle down once I start work in D.C. Now is my only time to be free and I can’t waste it.”
At press time, Skorton was last seen convincing his parents that the trip is a great idea.
DAY HALL- Thanks to the actions of investigative journalists at Project Veritas, the Cornell community was shocked and appalled to learn Wednesday that the University strongly supports the actions of ISIS, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria.
“Yeah, that would be okay,” said Assistant Dean of Students Joe Scaffido, probably in response to a question about whether a club sending weapons to ISIS fighters would be acceptable.
When asked explicitly about ISIS by the hard-hitting journalists, Scaffido was caught off guard.
“Oh, ISIS? Like the terrorists in Iraq and Syria? I didn’t realize you mean them,” exclaimed the long-serving administrator.
“Oh yeah, we’re cool with them. Two thumbs up. I think we’re bringing in an ISIS guy sometime shortly after break. He’s gonna train Cornellians as soldiers to join their cause.”
At press time, President Skorton had submitted an official statement debunking Scaffido’s statements, clarifying that the ISIS military trainer would not be coming until the end of April.
A.D. WHITE HOUSE — As the final moments of the housing lottery came to a close, President Skorton acknowledged his ultimate failure at securing a room on campus for the upcoming academic year.
“I had hoped to block with my friend Beth Garrett because she had the best time-slot,” Skorton sighed. “But she totally ditched Kent Fuchs and me at the last minute. Now we’ve got no place to live.”
Skorton discussed the possibility of living with Susan Murphy, who had apparently found off-campus housing in the annex of a fraternity that had lost its charter. “I was really banking on living on campus next year, so I’m kind of screwed. All of the apartments in collegetown are booked, and there’s no way I’m living in Schuyler. That place is weird. And far.”
At press time, Skorton was found pricing futons on Craigslist and measuring floor space in Olin Library.
HO PLAZA — Senior Nathaniel Morrison will never have to pay the new Student Healthcare Fee, but nonetheless indicated today that he would be “down to riot.”
Last Thursday night, President Skorton introduced a new $350 health care fee for students not on the Student Health Insurance Plan (SHIP) designed to improve access to Gannett for students across the board. The fee has been met with widespread student resistance and protests are scheduled for the coming week.
“I mean yeah, I may not have to ever actually pay the fee, but I’m totally game for like a riot or something. Senior spring has been really boring so far,” explained Morrison. Morrison intends to attend the student protest on Monday afternoon, searching for the slightest provocation to “straight up introduce anarchy.”
TRENTON, NJ — At his cousins’ house for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday night, President Skorton’s parents allegedly pressured him to “get a real job” and “stop living in fantasy land.” The 65 year-old reportedly got into a heated argument with his mother, Jane, and his father, Richard, about his future before dismissing them altogether and asking his Aunt Margaret for the cranberry sauce.
“We just don’t think taking care of little kids is a good use of our little boy’s time,” Jane told reporters, adding, “I know there’s not much you can do with a degree in psychology, but I figure he can get a job with a decent salary and dental if he actually looks for it.”
When Skorton defended himself by pointing out he would soon be the new head of the Smithsonian, his father retorted, “What? So you can play with action figures and model planes all day long you pansy? I built up my fencing business with my own sweat and blood so you could throw away your life being a glorified twelve-year old?”
Other relatives chimed in with their advice for Skorton’s career and personal life. Aunt Margaret pointed out, “There’s a job opening at the Staples down the road that looks just lovely dear.” Her husband Jedd added, “Yeah the checkout girl there has some sweet cans,” downing his fourth scotch and soda.
This was the end of the incident as Skorton quickly got up from the table, screamed, “I knew I should have gone to Thanksgiving at my girlfriend’s house!” and locked himself in his room to cuddle with his dog.
DAY HALL- Many are speculating that the three high-level administrators (President David Skorton, Vice President for Student and Academic Services Susan Murphy, and Provost Kent Fuchs) that have announced that they are leaving the University this year probably know a deep, dark secret about the future of Cornell that the rest of us don’t.
“This can’t be a coincidence,” said a visibly unnerved Vice President Antonio M. Gotto while frantically packing up everything in his office.
“Skorton, Murphy, and Fuchs must be keeping something from us. There is a conspiracy here and it runs much higher than either you or I can fathom. This place must be a sinking ship and I’m getting out while I still can.”
At press time, newly appointed President Elizabeth Garrett was working on her veil of enthusiasm while preparing to run what she called “a lost cause.”
WITHIN 10FT OF DAY HALL — “Yeah, you know, I just don’t really care anymore,” said David Skorton as he lit the cigarette he kept behind his ear within ten feet of an air vent intake. “What can I say, I’m a pretty dangerous guy.”
This incident is the most recent in a string of rebellious acts by Skorton. Over the last month, President Skorton began to act out against some rules around campus, citing a desire to “change his image” before his departure this spring. Other incidents have included failing to approve his Kronos timecard before the deadline, parading around North Campus playing loud music a half hour into quiet hours, and taking more than one piece of fruit from campus dining halls. “I’ve always wondered how my time here at Cornell will be remembered, and I was worried that people might think I was too boring, too conformist,” explained Skorton.
“People call it a lame duck stage, but I just asked myself, you know…” He paused and took a long drag on his cigarette before blowing it directly towards an air intake vent. “Why can’t it be a radical duck?”
DAY HALL— As many know, the Cornell University Board of Trustees has been expecting to announce their newest president for about six months. This morning, at 11:55 AM on September 30, proud Board member Robert S. Harrison confirmed that the new president is a girl, weighing 127 lbs, 11oz. The announcement is premature, as the general public expected to wait three more months until the candidate would be revealed.
“The Board of Trustees is very pleased to announce the arrival of their newest president, Elizabeth Garrett,” said Harrison. “She is healthy and ready to meet the world.”
Chair of the Presidential Search Committee, Jan Rock Zubrow, commented quietly, as she softly cradled Beth in an office in Day Hall. “We’ve had twelve rowdy boys so far, so having a girl back at the house will be a nice change of pace.”
Elizabeth’s predecessor, little Davey Skorton (64 years old), said he was “so excited about the newest president” and that he intends to “play with her all the time, teach her how to crawl, help her with homework when she goes to school, and show her how to suspend fraternities like a grown-up!” He’s not too pleased, however, about having to share his room in the A.D. White House.
Harrison assured Skorton that even though there was a new little president around now, they would still love him and give him as much attention as always.