Weather Conditions Perfect for Making FWOOMP Sound Effect Before Busting Your Ass on Icy Sidewalk

ITHACA—As winter recess comes to an end, travel-weary Cornellians return to campus by the busload, only to be greeted by what one local weather enthusiast describes as “the ideal environment for some really funny shit to happen.”

Bryan Trast, a native Ithacan and self-proclaimed “Climate Harmonic Analyst,” looks forward to this time every year: “The snowfall, the windchill, the almost-but-not-quite shoveled sidewalks… The conditions are perfect for watching unsuspecting victi–I mean students–eat shit on their way to and from class.”

As the founder and head researcher of Ithacans for Climate-Related Levity (formerly Ithacans for Climate-Related Injury), Trast operates a network of repurposed trail cameras and ultra-sensitive microphones to capture what he calls “gaiety in its rawest form.”

“I’m always watching,” Trast murmurs as he presents his video collection of weather-related accidents*. “The SLOOPs and the SLEEEPs and the FWEEEPs are all well and good. My personal favorite is the SHWOOP–but that’s self-explanatory. The KRRACK is for the refined palette… But the FWOOMPs… rarely are conditions ever so slippery, so dangerous, so perfect…”

In preparation for the coming season, ICRL’s R&D department is hard at work researching ways to reduce the effectiveness of road salt and increase the incline of walkways “everywhere.”

*Editor’s note: ICRL’s administration insists there is “no such thing” as a weather-related accident.

Maternal Comfort of Warm Sink Only Respite from the Biting, Chilling Winds

This week, the harsh and unforgiving winter has settled upon Cornell’s campus. Every morning, students venture out and endure these frigid winds with only the distant, waning memory of warmer days (last week) to comfort them. There is only one sanctuary for these brave souls: the primal familiarity of the warmth of a running sink.

“It is like a tender hug from my mother,” shared Riley Williams ‘27, washing her hands. “No, no, it is like crawling back up inside of my mother’s soft, balmy womb, hands-first.” 

Those familiar with the allure of the warm sink will also be well-acquainted with the excruciating moment when the recommended 20 seconds of handwashing have passed and one is forced to relinquish the pure euphoria of the sink to the next in line. This moment came all too soon for Williams.

“Please… please don’t make me go back out there,” Williams said, pleading with Casey Connors ‘25, the incumbent hand-washer.

“Girl, what the fuck? I have to wash my fucking hands. I’m going to be late for Econ,” replied Connors.

Williams was eventually torn away from the sink kicking, screaming and crying, a scene reminiscent of the first time she was torn away from the comfort of her mother’s womb.

Outdoor Campus Sign Just Reads “I Hope You Slip And Fall, Bitch”

LIBE SLOPEIn an unabashed declaration of disregard for your safety, the “No Winter Maintenance” signs across campus have been revised to say “I Hope You Slip And Fall, Bitch.”

The change, unaccompanied by a statement from administration, has received a variety of reactions from students.

“You know what? I gotta appreciate their honesty,” said Gustavo Lanza ‘23, “It’s like if you’re gonna actively root for my physical demise at least give it to me straight. Don’t tip-toe around the fact that there is black ice and that you are intentionally leaving it there for me to hurt myself.”

“I’ve been more careful recently, actually. I think them effectively telling their message to always be vigilant of the people who want to see you suffer. It’s a well-placed, lovely little threat,” said Margaret Paul ‘22, “Make me terrified to be alive, in a state of constant arousal. In fact, I think it has put a fire under my ass to do better. Be better. No matter what it takes. Because if I don’t, I might lose my balance and hit the ground hard. But that’s why I wear my boots. They have lots of traction.”

“Haven’t they always said that?” wondered Wendy Langmore ‘24, “Or I guess not that exactly, it used to say ‘Warning: Ice Cold Snow’ or something. As long as it gets the message that it’s slippery and that they’re not gonna do anything about it across I think it’s fine. It’s comforting to know that if I belly flop on the concrete, someone will be watching.”

The change follows the recent addition of an immersive speaker system embedded around the slope playing sound clips of reversed audio of little girls whispering and wolves howling ghostly cries between the hours of 1:00 AM – 3:00 AM.

Collegetown 7-Eleven Unveils New Road Slush ICEE Flavor

COLLEGETOWNGourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene. 

“7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors, but we’re hoping to change that with the new road slush ICEE,” explained store proprietor Blake “Boots” Gerberding. “The other restaurateurs in town really take the piss out of 7-Eleven’s drink selection, but we don’t,” added Gerberding.

“Sitting on the curb outside 7-Eleven dunking a lukewarm taquito in road slush is kinda the quintessential Cornell experience, so I think it’s gonna be pretty dope to be able to take that on the go. I can’t wait to carry a road slush ICEE and a couple of Jalapeno Cream Cheese taquitos over to the slope and watch the sunset” said Connell Williams ‘25. 

As of publication time, 7-Eleven’s long suffering ICEE machine succumbed at last to the mores of seasonal depression and has ceased to function. For now, customers must once again slurp road slush directly out of the ditches. 

Ithaca Street Plows Do A Good Job

HIGHLAND PLACE—Demonstrating Ithaca’s dedication to excellence, the Street Cleaning Crew worked around the clock this past weekend, valiantly battling the wild forces of Mother Nature, clearing snow from every pavement alongside their gerrymandered snow routes.

 

“Too long has our poor performance been fodder for small talk with that person you have nothing in common with at parties,” said Kyle Towers, head of Ithaca’s Transportation office. “This year, I swore to myself no longer. And we succeeded! Our effort has been a hit with our residents!”

Towers excitedly pointed to his labeled map, dotted with pink highlights with an array of neon post-it-notes detailing his new system and a large red circle surrounding the label “Commons” while noting that this performance would be his “big break.”

Indeed residents of Ithaca proper were very impressed with the ol’ snow shovelers. “They did a really good job this storm,” said Byron Taylor, a longtime Ithaca resident. “I used to stare out the window and tell my wife how glad I am not having to drive in this weather, but by god, it seemed like every time there was even a centimeter of snowfall, there came another plow over the horizon. I didn’t even get to laugh at any sports car getting stuck going up Buffalo. Towers has got them boys working hard.”

When it was pointed out that Collegetown’s roads are a part of the City of Ithaca, Towers paled and went momentarily silent, muttering that this was “news to him.”

Student Torn Between Enjoying Warm Autumn and Fearing Climate Change

COLLEGETOWN—Despite his love of hiking and other outdoor activities, Ben Foreman ‘21 is finding it difficult to cherish the final weeks of a temperate Ithaca fall. Instead of frolicking outdoors with impunity, the senior Environment & Sustainability major has been plagued by the knowledge that his October sunbathing is only made possible by a dangerous buildup of carbon dioxide in our atmosphere that has drastically altered seasonal climate patterns. 

 “How can something so wrong feel so right?” mused Foreman as rays of sunlight, likely made warmer by a hole in the ozone layer, gently warmed his face. “I like playing frisbee with my roommates on the quad, but I can’t help feeling guilty that the same macro-level environmental processes that created this warm autumn afternoon are also responsible for worldwide famine and drought.”

Foreman has stopped bathing because it reminds him of the Ithaca water crisis and switched to reusable straws to avoid thinking about choking sea turtles. However, his love of above average temperature in the weeks following the Autumnal equinox has rendered him unable to avoid his anxiety over global-warming.

“It’s not that I don’t believe in science,” explained Foreman’s roommate Mallex Jones ‘21. “I feel just as strongly as everyone else that climate change is an issue. But is it too much to ask to get some vitamin D without feeling guilty about it? Ben can be such a buzzkill sometimes.”

At press time, Foreman was unable to respond to Jones’ critique, as he and some other close friends were currently aboard a chartered private plane to a popular steakhouse in Rochester. 

With The Return Of Spring, Students Break Out Old Shorts, Tanks, Body Image Issues

AG QUAD—Recent rising temperatures have prompted Cornell students to change their styles, leading to a proliferation of exposed knees, arms, and deep emotional wounds related to body image.

“I love that I can now wear fun open-toed shoes instead of the bean boots I needed to trudge through street slush. My style improving almost makes up for me being forced to reveal my cankles to the entire world,” said Jenny Bard ’23.

The popular long puffer style has been phased out, forcing students to abandon the uniformly bloated silhouette and reckon with the ways in which their figures fail to meet societal standards.

Sarah Jimenez ’21 explained that she and her roommate Reilly Park ’21 are “excited to express ourselves more because we can use the other halfs of our closet,” but also articulated their disappointment that their shorts from last summer are now fitting far too tightly and loosely, respectively.

“Bro, it felt so good to free my guns from hoodies,” revealed Dan Spear ’20. “Now I can wear dope tanks decorated with my frat letters stylized as a quirky drink! The one bummer is that my eighth-grade swim coaches’ comment that I have ‘small little bird shoulders’ echoes constantly in my head every second that they’re publicly visible.”

Spear noted that his insecurities “ain’t seen nothing yet,” and is looking forward to complete and total self-hatred during his beachy spring break.

Cornell Health’s Zany Health-Related Meme Posters Frankly Just Not Cutting It Right Now

CORNELL HEALTH—Despite a valiant effort to keep morale high, the goofy posters of wellness memes Cornell Health has been hanging up just are not going to get it done at the moment.

“I totally understand they’re doing their best to keep everyone’s spirits up,” said Ramash Miraja ‘22. “But when I get an email from Ryan Lombardi telling me just how many people are dying out in Washington I kind of need more than a ‘Keep Calm and Cornell On’ poster.”

The nursing staff at Cornell Health have taken a different perspective, as they abandon all duties not directly related to harvesting the dankest of health memes.

“It’s really keeping us going, since we know that otherwise we’re pretty much screwed six ways to Sunday,” commented Katie Klein, RN. “If Covid does make its way to Cornell, due to its insane infectiousness and lack of vaccination, we’re largely fucked living in such an enclosed community. Good thing is, we’ll all go down laughing at grumpy cat complaining about people not washing their hands.”

As morale dwindles, the healthcare professionals tasked with caring for the Cornell community have decided to triage walk in cases, and wait times have skyrocketed. The bright side: the waiting room looks like the trending page of the Wholesome Memes subreddit, and sometimes there’s candy!

Student Awakens Yet Again to Re-Adjust Oscillating Fan

COLLEGETOWN—Drenched in sweat and in a state of utter defeat, Matthew Finley ‘20 awoke yet again last night to re-adjust his oscillating fan.

“See, I want it close to me, but then it can’t pull in the cool air from the window! What do I do?” cried a desperate Finley, shifting the fan an inch to the right and then leaping into bed to see if it helped.

The recent heat wave has become a major inconvenience for Finley and his roommates, whose overcrowded $1200/month Collegetown heatbox of an apartment seems to provide suboptimal locations for electric fans.

Finley’s pacing during the night added about 10 degrees to the room’s temperature. This morning, he was attempting to befriend freshmen who’ve scored the air conditioned dorms on North Campus.

Student Badly Misjudges Discomfort of Doing Homework Under a Tree

ARTS QUAD—Jumping at the chance to enjoy warm weather in Ithaca, sophomore Ilka Piebald’s excitement quickly turned to dismay after realizing that doing homework outside under a tree actually kinda sucks.

“Within two minutes, she was squirming from the discomfort of the oak’s prickly bark against her supple back,” commented observer Chauncey Lemonwink ‘19. “After three minutes, the sun glare was too powerful, so she done got up and left me to stare at the gophers and chippy munks.”

Piebald reported that doing homework beneath a tree is more difficult than it seems, as 5 or 6 beetles crawled up her snooch and this wouldn’t have happened if she had had a chair.

“I was trying to write an essay but all I could think about were chairs and why they’re so awesome,” said Piebald. “Sweet, sweet chairs, with their legs and whatnot. I am immensely grateful for Rudolph Chair, the inventor of chairs.”

Determined to study outdoors, Piebald has decided to do her homework in a hammock clearly intended for invertebrates and smothered in caterpillar shit.