AG QUAD—Recent rising temperatures have prompted Cornell students to change their styles, leading to a proliferation of exposed knees, arms, and deep emotional wounds related to body image.
“I love that I can now wear fun open-toed shoes instead of the bean boots I needed to trudge through street slush. My style improving almost makes up for me being forced to reveal my cankles to the entire world,” said Jenny Bard ’23.
The popular long puffer style has been phased out, forcing students to abandon the uniformly bloated silhouette and reckon with the ways in which their figures fail to meet societal standards.
Sarah Jimenez ’21 explained that she and her roommate Reilly Park ’21 are “excited to express ourselves more because we can use the other halfs of our closet,” but also articulated their disappointment that their shorts from last summer are now fitting far too tightly and loosely, respectively.
“Bro, it felt so good to free my guns from hoodies,” revealed Dan Spear ’20. “Now I can wear dope tanks decorated with my frat letters stylized as a quirky drink! The one bummer is that my eighth-grade swim coaches’ comment that I have ‘small little bird shoulders’ echoes constantly in my head every second that they’re publicly visible.”
Spear noted that his insecurities “ain’t seen nothing yet,” and is looking forward to complete and total self-hatred during his beachy spring break.