COLLEGETOWN—Despite his love of hiking and other outdoor activities, Ben Foreman ‘21 is finding it difficult to cherish the final weeks of a temperate Ithaca fall. Instead of frolicking outdoors with impunity, the senior Environment & Sustainability major has been plagued by the knowledge that his October sunbathing is only made possible by a dangerous buildup of carbon dioxide in our atmosphere that has drastically altered seasonal climate patterns.
“How can something so wrong feel so right?” mused Foreman as rays of sunlight, likely made warmer by a hole in the ozone layer, gently warmed his face. “I like playing frisbee with my roommates on the quad, but I can’t help feeling guilty that the same macro-level environmental processes that created this warm autumn afternoon are also responsible for worldwide famine and drought.”
Foreman has stopped bathing because it reminds him of the Ithaca water crisis and switched to reusable straws to avoid thinking about choking sea turtles. However, his love of above average temperature in the weeks following the Autumnal equinox has rendered him unable to avoid his anxiety over global-warming.
“It’s not that I don’t believe in science,” explained Foreman’s roommate Mallex Jones ‘21. “I feel just as strongly as everyone else that climate change is an issue. But is it too much to ask to get some vitamin D without feeling guilty about it? Ben can be such a buzzkill sometimes.”
At press time, Foreman was unable to respond to Jones’ critique, as he and some other close friends were currently aboard a chartered private plane to a popular steakhouse in Rochester.
TOMPKINS COUNTY — Gerry the Ithaca weather monster is announcing his retirement after he tried all year to build up massive amounts of snow to dump on students and residents in the greater Tompkins County region, only to see all his hard work melted by man-made global warming.
“I’m done. I can’t stand it,” Gerry said sweating through his down-coat and earmuffs, “I struggled so hard and before I can deliver all this snow to the kids, it’s all ruined. I’ve had it up to HERE. I’m through, you hear me? Through! Have fun skiing on grass, ingrates.”
This year was particularly rough for the weather monster, as the strong El Niño and climate change disrupted weather patterns against the monster’s plans for an early-February blizzard, which quickly turned to mud in the unseasonable 50-degree heat.
“I mean, it’s not like we loved Gerry the weather monster’s output every year,” said Joe Davis ’16, “but his heart was in the right place. It’s sad that he’s being forced out—we’ll miss him. Mostly.”
On the bright side, maybe now we can be warm and happy during our last few winters before climate change kills us all.
RPCC DINING HALL – The world’s leading climate scientists confirmed that the scoop of French vanilla ice cream Jordan Chaplain ’19 placed on top of his waffle has shown signs of premature deglaciation, at a rate much faster than experts previously surmised, as concluded at climate talks in Paris this past week.
“What we’re seeing here is a very clear pattern of how all of this will play out. By 6:32 PM EST, about ten minutes from now, all the ice cream in this plate region will have melted,” says Edouard Barth, renowned French climatologist. “If we don’t do anything to resolve this issue, it could mean catastrophe for all waffles a la mode.”
Despite the outcry of some skeptics, the scientific community has come to a unanimous conclusion that the cause of the catastrophe can ultimately be traced back to human activity.
“99.9% of researchers believe that if mankind had either reduced emissions of greenhouse gases, or simply eaten dessert quickly, the ice cream would not have melted in this way,” says Stephen Kallbekken, Director of the Centre of International Climate and Energy Policy. “We also strongly believe that the hot chocolate fudge that Chaplain, and soft-serve enjoyers across the planet, are applying over the concoction has only exacerbated the problem.”
Kallbekken further added, “What is most worrying is the effect that all the melting will have on the surrounding plate regions. It is a distinct possibility that a waffle, above which lies the melting dairy product, will render the entire area soggy and eventually–if Jordan and America do not cooperate with our efforts to ameliorate the conditions–become inedible for future inhabitants of dining halls across the globe.”
In light of the recent crisis, Chaplain has already begun talks with his parents of potentially divesting from ramen noodles and transitioning to plant-based, alternative energy sources.