Student Returning Home Disappointed By Meal Plan Options

STATEN ISLAND—Longing for a time with better company and better food, Alex Reed ’24 has been missing Cornell Dining’s exquisite meal selections while back at his parents’ house for Winter Break. 

“It’s nice to not have to wait in line at the dining hall—sorry, dining room,” Reed said. “But overall, there just hasn’t been the variety of dishes I’ve come to expect from my meal providers. I mean, where’s my vegan cheeseless enchilada bake to go with Grandma’s classic beef stroganoff?”

Despite scrolling through both the Eatery app and NYTCooking to get a taste of what the bourgeoisie of Ithaca and New York are eating, Reed still yearns for the safe consistency of Rose’s Taco Tuesday or the comfortable dim sum of RPCC brunch. 

“I even made Alex’s favorite spaghetti and meatballs, but he just mumbled something about Sicilian sheet pizzas and tofu and broccoli with red chili garlic,” said Reed’s mother Lily.  “I can’t take another night of him crying into a plate of baked chicken with macaroni and cheese because some place called Apple always made it Kosher.” 

At press time, Reed was seen ordering Domino’s just like he did most nights at school.

Cornell Dining Introduces New “All We Allow You to Eat” Meal Plan

BECKER DINING HALL — In a new move to encourage the naughty children not to eat in a most rapacious manner, Cornell Dining will begin the new “All We Allow You to Eat” meal plan this semester. Under the restrictive dining option, only one bowl of gruel shall be appropriated to each boy and girl, with an extra spoonful of cream on the most special of occasions.

“We give our residents only as much as they need,” said Miss Mann, Madame of Cornell Dining, “not an ounce more. If e’en one of them comes asking for another scoop of porridge, it’s straight to bed with them!”

Many of the children in such a hungry and destitute situation are upset with their new meal plan, becoming so voracious with hunger as to dream for even the slightest morsel.

“All I wanted, sir, was a slice of the bread ma’am keeps in the cupboard,” said Edwin Swubble, a boy of diminutive stature, whose growth may have continued unimpeded had his nourishing been sufficient, “I thought I had been good, done all me work for ages, but instead I got sent away with no supper just for asking. I nearly ate my roommate that night!”

Though the new meal plan has left many unsatisfied, the bony, starving children can unanimously agree that cooking for oneself is a far less desirable circumstance.